Good Evening. I’ve just gotten back from dinner with some friends and they decided to have a “talk” with me about dating or I should say my lack of dating lately. This is such an effed up topic for me lately for a few reasons. First, my ex still texts me randomly but stupid things. I forwarded one of these texts to my GBF the other night and he said, “Because he made that joke? That’s what guys do. You’re being over critical but it’s your choice”. I wanted to punch him. It was a weird foul joke that could have been better received by a male friend of his so I ignored him. I should probably just stop interacting with him all together because he’ll get the wrong idea otherwise but my GBF (Gay Best Friend) does have a point, which I’ll detail later.
Second, I met a guy a few weeks ago and have been doing the whole “get to know you” chatting since then. He’d asked me what my favorite movies were and as you can tell from my music choices, one of them is Red Shoe Diaries. His reply was “if it’s the one I’m thinking you’re a bit of a wild child”. I’m sure by “wild” he meant slutty which is far from the truth. But I’m already over that guy. He’s a bit boring.
So I have an excuse to not date four different guys in my life right now. To me they are just not what I’m looking for at all. I don’t feel entirely comfortable. They don’t make me smile. They do things that completely gross me out and lastly, even thought they are all very good-looking, I’m not sexually attracted to them, regardless of how very aroused I have been lately.
This brings me to the next portion of this program. You’ve all read, probably numerous times (sorry not sorry for that), what I want, need or cherish in a man right? So, my friend (the one who went MIA for a while) DOES EXACTLY THAT! We went and saw Star Wars last night. After that, came home. I didn’t think he would have stayed, assuming he had many stops on his nightly tour but he did. I had one of the best sleeps I’ve had in a while (he slept on the couch). Then I thought he’d be gone by the time I got home and not only was he still here, which made me happy, but he’d gotten rid of all the Goodwill bags, washed the dishes and was working out after reading a book… We also act like kids with each other.
My point in all this is that he really does check a lot of those effing imaginary boxes and it’s totally and completely unfair because he will never see us as anything other than friends. :-\ So what do I do with all this pent-up emotions, sexual tension and continual thoughts that I’ll never find someone who makes me feel like he does? Well, as of right now, all I can do is write about them here.
Sometimes I wonder if he knew how hard this was for me, would he still do any of it? I know, in my mind, that he’s just being a friend and being helpful and I can separate these things from the reason that I wish he was doing them for but it doesn’t make it any easier. Then, there’s also another reason as to why I can’t let myself fully and completely just enjoy the friend again. I think I’ll always be afraid that the next girlfriend that comes along, he’ll be gone again. I don’t understand this. This doesn’t happen with me, not when I have true friendships. They are the last thing to go, ever. But this last girl who came into his life, he tossed this friendship aside without a second thought, without feeling a thing and without any regret what-so-ever.
I sent him an email the other night. Not sure if he’ll ever read or acknowledge it but I told him that I needed him to tell me what this whole relationship we have meant to him one day. I’ll need him to articulate what this was. I’m not sure I’ll ever get that answer from him nor from God either, who has heard me pray about my friend more than anyone else.
I realize that, in a friendship, where only one has feelings for the other it’s hard and I know that he never asked for this to happen. In fact, I can only imagine that he sits back stunned sometimes that it did. I’ve said this before but if these feelings weren’t here I’m not sure we’d have made it this far and the truth is, we almost didn’t, several times. This time I see him trying so hard to put his life on track and I’m so happy for that. I just really need some proof that while he’s gaining speed to get where he needs to go that he doesn’t leave me on the side of the road again, under a sign that says, “Replaceable”.
There was a whole other part that I was going to write too but I’ll leave that for another day. Hope you’re all having a great week. Regardless of my tone, I’ve had a good week. I’m reserving great for now but good is what I’ll take.