The fun is officially over, for now. My BFF has been here since Wednesday and we’ve had some stupid, awesome fun. We went to our usual spot for dinner one night and got free drinks. We made up an air band where she plays air base and guitar and I sing and play air drums. We watched strippers and enjoyed screwing with men for pleasure for a while and took some cool photos.
But now she’s gone and while we were getting snippy with each other I miss the company. I did, however, go to a movie with another friend tonight after she left. That was fun also but he’s in a place where all I want to do is throw out a lifeline but that’s hard to do when you know that person doesn’t want to catch it.
He fulfills my need to want to take care of someone except he won’t let me take care of him. On the same token I’m not sure he feels comfortable enough to be able to ask for the help that he might need. I’ve never, in my life, wanted so badly to make sure someone is ok.
With that statement above being said, this is where my heart, head and mouth do not see eye to eye. It’s been a dysfunctional relationship with those three parts of my body since as long as I can remember. My head says, “Be honest. Tell him something real and helpful”. My heart says, “reach out and just put your hand on his and let him know that he’s going to be ok. You’ll make sure of it.” My mouth says something like, “Ok well, don’t be an asshole, stupid and let me know if you need anything.”
This reminds me of what I’m supposed to say or do in these situations, per my therapist. I was told that if there was something that I wanted to say or something I wanted to do to at least write it down and help get my jumbled thoughts out and arranged in some semblance of logical thought then, if it doesn’t leave your head after that then consider telling that person what it is you want to say.
That is difficult on so many levels. First, I fear that the help I want to give him is more than a “friend” should and I don’t want him to think that I can’t separate myself from my feelings. Second, it seems as though he wants to stay in this weird, playful, friend-zone so I’m trying not to be all “girly” with my actions or words to not make him feel uncomfortable. Lastly, I’m just not sure he can handle all of the truth that I have bottled up inside me.
This is all probably why ecstasy was my drug of choice. When my friends and I were doing it there was “nuttin’ but love baby”. We were all honest, to a fault, with each other and there was so much love taken in and equally thrown out. I never looked at it as a drug induced illusion because it was all truth. But, I’ve grown up and out of the drug phase of my life which has left me with this secretive, hold everything in persona. My BFF has this issue with me all the time. She thinks I’ve gotten better through the years but it’s still not where it should be.
So, in honor of my therapist tonight, I thought I’d write out my letter to my friend as these words will, likely, never pass my lips to him.
“Another fun night out with you. To spend time with you, in any capacity, is worth it. We, I feel, share a bond that has been tested and tested and is still there. Some days it hangs by a string and other days it feels unbreakable. There’s a sense of nurturing emotions that flood through me when you say some of the things you do. Some days, I feel like laying your head in my lap, letting you cry every last tear you have and stroking your head just so you realize that no matter how bad it gets you’ll have someone by your side. I don’t care if your glasses are lop-sided, if you can only wear your fat pants or that you can’t muster the strength to get out of bed some days. I will be there, if you ask. I don’t care if you’re grumpy, angry or lethargic. I will be there, if you ask. The worst day with you, is still better than some of the best days with other boys. Some days I want to apologize that I fell in love with you, although I couldn’t and can’t control it but most days, I realize that you’ve still given me the one thing that none of them could ever give me. You gave and continue to give me comfort, and full, complete and unapologetic love. I will probably always fear that you’ll be gone one day, for good. It’s always in the back of my mind but it won’t stop me from living in the moment, as long as our moments are real. No jealousy. No lies. No censoring.
I know how you feel about yourself but the truth, in my eyes, is that any man I’ll be with since seeing you again, will always be second place, in my heart. I will have to, eventually, be in a relationship with someone that will remind me of what we have. It won’t be the same. It won’t be perfect but I know that all these thoughts are only shared by me. I still believe in fate and I still believe that you have a much greater purpose on this earth, but until you figure out what that is, I think you might have saved me. You saved one person, at least.
One day, I’ll need you to actually tell me what this was to you, what I am to you. I’ll need to hear that because I deserve that. Hopefully, the day will come that will allow you to articulate what this whole relationship is to you because I need to know that it’s made a difference. That it’s helped. I don’t want to continue thinking that I am just a distraction from reality for you. I actually want to be able to have repaid some of these emotions back to you.
With all that said, I still love you, completely.”
Well, apparently, that needed to come out in some way. I feel better but I’m sure this is the part where someone says “You should really tell him that”. I’m sure that’s not the case right now.
Today is my Saturday, since I’m off on Monday and I need to get used to my quiet home. I liked having my BFF here when I got home and I like having someone that I’m so succinct with. I have that with two people. One, my BFF, who doesn’t even live in the same city as me and the other the friend I wrote about above who doesn’t even live in the same galaxy as I do sometimes. I gotta say, life is strange and hard and wonderful and trying and beautiful. You just have to know where to look for the beauty. Sometimes, it’s in the poke of a friend during a movie, or a moment when something real stumbles out of someones mouth, or it’s in the air drumming/guitaring while shopping at midnight. Sometimes, it’s in the truth of a tear, a hug or an ‘I Love You’.
I feel like I should have been drunk to write all that but I wasn’t. Hope you’re having a great weekend.