My week has been strange but strange is my normal so, there’s that. My emotions have been all over the place, I’ve gotten pampered a bit (by a tiny Asian lady) and I’ve gotten little sleep. Between work, private client work and dreams my sleep is not even close to being where it needs to be. I should put an ad out: “Needed – warm man’s body to sleep next to for a night, do some manly things around the house and possible more.” Cold weather and crappy sleep absolutely makes me miss having another person to spend the evenings with that can cuddle, play and just sit next to me.
I’ve spent a lot of time soul searching lately and I’m shocked that I ever had any man stay as long as they did, in a relationship. I’m not forthcoming with the “L-word”, I don’t physically show affection and I feel pretty awkward most of the time. It’s hard, coming from a family that doesn’t or didn’t show emotion so I’ve never really been taught much. I’m not one to initiate anything and never have been but that doesn’t mean I don’t need things.
The things I need is probably, not only laundry list of stuff, but also not much different than anyone else. I’ve said before that I heard somewhere that people need seven hugs, kisses or compliments a day to be emotionally healthy. The compliments I get. The other, the hugs and kisses, I don’t get and it’s my own fault. I’ve visualized that actions or what I wanted to act on but just don’t do it. I don’t know if it’s more to do with fear of reject but rather fear of reaching out into an unknown. I’m sure many an ex would have said that I was never affectionate enough and if they thought that they really should have said that. If there’s a game plan in place, if I know what needs to happen or what someone needs then I can do that but when it comes down to a guessing game type of situation I suck at it.
I remember, in high school, there was this boy. He was in a coupled relationship with a friend of mine for years. I always assumed they’d be married but I don’t think they are. Anyway, he’d called me one night and out of no where he said, “Every time I’m around you I just want to kiss you.” I was always flattered by this and always remembered it but never knew what to do with it. I remembered saying thank you and that he’d never know what that was like because I’d never kiss him back because of my friendship with the girl. It was a strange thing that I remember because it happened a lot but that made me feel both sexy, unattainable and uneasy in the same breath. It’s kind of like those situations where someone tells you that they’ve always wanted to have sex with you and you know that once they do the chase is over so you don’t do it with the knowledge that, secretly, they’ll always want to and you had the power to change that but decided to keep that power anyway.
That would be the reason that one night stands don’t work for me much and the fact that I put my pants on before the guy has time to make a sandwich or that’s what I’ve done in the past. This is where my past stays there and my future or present makes things different. I want different things now and I want to try to be the girlfriend that someone needs and wants.
I was making fun of my ex today, at work, because his wife doesn’t do any housework, cook, clean or anything outside. He said he did everything. I know he loves her anyway but I wouldn’t want that type of relationship. I’m all about the equality. This is not about gender roles but about the compromise of equal work.
It’s as if I’ve taken all the bad from all the past relationships and have put in place some sort of manifesto for the next one, so it’s on point. So all my thirty something years has taught me what’s good, what’s bad and what needs work. The next guy needs to know that this will have taken years of research to try to get it right. But, with that said, there is no pressure to make things work out forever because I don’t expect that. Going into a new year with no expectations absolutely has its privileges, for me and the next guy.
Those are my, bit tipsy, words tonight. Hope you’re having a great week.
Enjoy the music: