Home is where the mortgage is…

Ever since my ex asked me to move in with him months ago, actually way before that, I’ve wanted a small house. I knew it would never be with him so I just assumed I’d be “apartment living” for a very long time. Today, I drove past this adorable little house in a nice neighborhood that is probably cheaper than my rent here. I’m considering this a lot.

I’ve been talking about “getting the eff out of this town” but the truth is, I actually like it here. I like this town. I’m completely aware that my instinct to move is mostly due to the fact that I have gone through a lot this year but am well aware that no matter where I move, my problems would follow me there as well. So, I’m a lot more at peace with things or situation that have happened. Now, I need to relocate from my current address.

My friend, who’s very spiritual, made me realize that instead of looking at my new car as just another car payment, I should look at it as new energy. This made me think just how much crappy energy is in the place where I live. There’s past boyfriends, there’s bad times, there’s hard situations. Now, I’m not going to discard the fun, memorable times I’ve had here but everyone could do with some new energy right?

I think, when you get to a certain age, you should have something that’s your own. There’s something so appealing to me about having paint in my hair, tools in my hand and all for a place that I call my own and even with all my years of it just being me, I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to share this with a roommate, boyfriend or maybe, one day, something even more substantial than that.

Being around my brother and sister-in-law makes me kind of want that type of situation but with my quirky spin on things. Even though they were stressed and fighting with each other they are still very succinct and they are amazing at compromise. I felt a little guilty being in the middle of some of their fights everything has it’s ebbs and flows so I’m pretty sure once the holiday craziness wore off and the family all left then they would find their normal ground.

My brother actually did it. He broke the cycle of being a crappy father. You know, a lot gets blamed on your family. If the daughter is crazy, it must be the mother or if the son is an a-hole then it must come from the father. We had a crappy childhood. It was filled with screams, curses and an absent father, which at the time was probably best. We were terrified of him when he was there so the alternative would always have been better but I don’t have a great relationship with him now. Not at all. He comes to town once a month and I’ve never seen him while he’s here. When he went in for open heart surgery, we didn’t exchange the “L word” or hug. We just nodded to each other like a “hey bro” nod. But like I said, my brother has broken that mold and makes it a point to watch and document all of his daughter’s first, to be present as much as possible and to go the extra mile to ensure that his daughter ALWAYS trust, confides and relishes their time together.

I’d probably never tell him all that above but maybe one day. Sometimes you think to yourself that you’re destined to screw something up if you have a child and sometimes that fear outweighs the amazingness of what can be. I think that may have been why, for such a long time, that I wasn’t where others were with having a child. I just assumed that I’d royally eff it up but I have much more faith in myself now which is something that I work on every single day. Being able to realize that is a step in the right direction I suppose and only to grow every day as well.

So I, kind of, find myself getting used to the idea of 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence although not in that order and maybe not exactly. I think, as long as two people love and respect each other, there’s a chance than anything can happen. It’s never going to be picture perfect but I can always start with a small home that I can call my own. This is just something I will go into the new year thinking about. If the saying is true, “Home is where the heart is”, then I’m not really sure where my home is right now but I’m willing to search for it.

Hope you all had a wonderful day.

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