I was having dinner with a friend the other day and we were discussing what the “normal” is. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. My two closest female friends have just done something that might be considered abnormal. The first, my BFF, got married to a guy she barely knows. Part of the reason was that she’d known her first husband for a while and that didn’t work out so why not try this (as I said that was only part of the reason). My other friend just had a baby without a father. She went, picked out the frozen pop and months later she’s starring at a bouncing baby boy. Neither of those situations were normal but what is normal these days?
My new mother friend had said after the conversation that I seemed sad and that she didn’t like it and I was to not be sad anymore. Ah, if it was just that easy. BAM, and I’m no longer sad… Well, I’m not sure that’s even the truth. I think I’m just craving normal. Hence the title. I’ve never really and truly had normal but I’d like something that’s real, true and mine that’s not jaded by judgement or ignorance. Does that make sense? I want something that is not out of the ordinary but that’s extraordinary.
It’s alright, I confuse myself a lot as well. After that dinner above, I was having drinks with another friend, a male friend. We hadn’t seen each other in a while but he’d just decided to drive down for the night. We had several conversations about several things. The last time we’d seen each other was last year around this time. He said I seemed much happier last year. By this time I want to scream. “If bad shit would stop happening to me I’d be an eff load happier people!” But I politely told him to go eff off. We laughed about other stupid crap and moved on.
At this point, I’m actually a lot more content than I have been and that’s just because of sheer force. I’ve started to realize that it’s best that I ignore the dreams I have, no matter how vivid they are. I start to realize that people are not going to read my mind and come to my aide no matter how much I scream at them to in my mind. I realize that this, right now, is my now. It’s not next Monday or on the weekend or after the new year. Lastly, I realize that some of the things that I want right now in this very moment may never happen. No matter how badly I now realize that I’ve counted on them happening.
Some of this came about from the dinner with my chick friend. We’d spent last New Years together and we did this thing where we both wrote down a full page of things that we wanted, wanted to change or wanted to fix or forgive. Each of our lists started with this heading…
“Things that we want, wish for and hope for. Things that we’d like to change and things that will make us better in 2015.”
First on her list was have a baby.
First on my list was have a mutually loving relationship.
If this was a contest she’d have won and I tried. I dated. I had no idea he’d turn into a psycho ex. Twice.
I just burned my list. That’s my romantic fire in my fireplace this year. I’ve burned a list of all the things I wanted to accomplish because with 15 days left of this year, there’s no way I’m checking my list off. I’m not sad about that. I am great at making lists thought and usually I’m great at checking everything off my list but that was not one that has worked for me at all.
To be fair to myself, some of that list did get checked off. It just might have been wasted on the wrong person that didn’t care that I made those changes which is probably why you should never change for anyone but yourself. He never asked me to either so it’s not his fault. There’s no blame on him nor me. It’s all still a learning curve or curse, whichever.
I’m not sure if I’ll make a new list this year or just surprise myself. I don’t know if I want any type of expectation going into a new year. Right now, it sounds like too much pressure. I’m stressed enough, including having to attend a music festival this weekend, all weekend. Being that the low is around 39 I’m sure that I’ll slip away at some point because hanging out with New Order and Kendrick Lamar in the (almost) freezing cold, isn’t my idea of fun. Heck, I don’t even know what I’m doing an hour from now, plans change so much.
So I guess right now I’m somewhere better than sad but not close enough to happy as I’d like to be. Introspective a bit and curious why things happen the way they do. That’s all. If this mood continues you’ll find me under the covers by midnight on New Years day and not in a good way.
That’s my reality right now. Hope you’re closer to happy than me.