Ways to win my heart and other weird information…

I was talking with a new voice today at work and getting my flirt on, for a favor, and he’d asked me “What does it take to impress you?”. I give him balls for asking the question but I can only assume this came out because, even though I was flirting, I was also very aloof and completely stoic when it came to him. So, I started thinking, it’s really an easy question.

I am not impressed with money nor am I impressed with men that have only one side, which is always a sensitive side. I’m not looking for a savior or a sinner but someone in between. I’m not looking for young or old but someone in between. I’m searching for someone that can make me laugh which isn’t that easy. I’m not looking for someone who’s got the best job, nor the best car but someone who can challenge my knowledge and take me on a ride of adventure, even if we never leave the house.

I’m looking for a man that can hold his own with me, make me feel safe and important and that I can get lost in but always find my way out. He doesn’t need to entertain me every second of every day nor does he have to fill any voids that might be inside. I want someone who’s real enough to experience truth with but imaginative enough to think outside the box.

I need a man who notices the little things, like the fact that I don’t own an umbrella and probably should. I need someone who not only changes an empty roll of toilet paper but also puts it in the right direction. Apparently, that’s a skill that not all men share. I’d like a man who refills the water jug, knows where the soap is when it runs out and shares a space with me and doesn’t overwhelm it. He needs to know things, like my favorite scent, my favorite flower and knows me well enough to put together the most amazing mix CD or playlist when I’ve had a shitty day or am not feeling well.

A man who makes room for you on the couch even if he’s really into whatever he’s watching is my kind of perfect. A man who goes and gets my mail because he knows it would probably take me a month to go get it. I’d like a man to make me a watch queue on netflix because he knows I’ve never seen those movies. A man who puts extra socks on me because he knows that my feet are always effing freezing. These are all things I wish for.

They all sound simple enough right? I suppose if you find the right guy, that guy that you click with no matter what, that other stuff doesn’t matter but I guess my whole point is simplicity is perfect to me. I’ve had the diamond ring, the expensive car and the arm candy and none of that worked. It was never what I wanted. It was only what I was distracting myself with at that moment. I’m no longer looking for a distraction. I’ve had boyfriends and I have best friends but I’ve never had a best friend/boyfriend combo. I want that.

Having a year where I’ve lost a lot of friends and family makes you realize that time is not insignificant. Time is fleeting. Time is escaping us one second at a moment. Days, months, years count. You never seem to want the things that are right in front of you until they’re gone. Times isn’t something to be wasted.

These are all just the passing thoughts of finishing off another year and looking into the next. It’s not supposed to be a somber post, just a real one. I’m calling out to anyone who thinks that time is on their side, that they’ll always be a tomorrow, that you’ll always have a chance to get back something you’ve lost in the past. This is why you must be kind, always tell the ones you care for that you do and never take anything for granted.

No, I didn’t get any earth shattering news today. I’m just feeling nostalgic for things that I’ve never had in reality only in theory or dreams. But the best part of the New Year is that, to me, all things are cleansed to start anew. You can make amends. You can find something you’ve lost or someone that you’re missing. It’s all a chance or a “do-over” as I like to call it which is hopeful.

So, after the hangover wears off, after the black eyed peas have been scarfed down and after you’ve popped your 12 grapes after midnight, wipe your slate clean.

If I don’t get a chance to write tomorrow, have a happy, safe and wonderfully memorable New Years!

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Strange Dreams and Good Moods…

I woke up from the strangest dream this morning but it left me with a sense of calm. I was in a, shockingly, great mood this morning… and then I got to work. Work has always been stressful for me for many reason but mostly because of one employee. He must have had his mouth taped shut when he was a child because he makes up for it now and I am highly sensitive to noise so we don’t mix.

I never used to be sensitive to noise but I had an obnoxious upstairs couple living here a few years ago. They fought, broke things, beat on the wall and screamed at each other. This went on for such a long time. Police were called, management received numerous complaints from everyone and finally they were moved across the complex and then kicked out completely.

That was a bad time for me. I’d never had anxiety in my life but all of a sudden noises, loud bangs and screaming started putting me into a cold sweat. I’d feel like I wanted to crawl out of my skin and I starting taking someone else’s drugs (prescription) to calm me down while I was at home. I actually think I started dating someone at that time just so I wouldn’t have to be home as much. I never realized how bad it had gotten until they moved. I, suddenly, felt this rush of calm, serenity.

But anyway, parts of this had lingered. Now, when this employee, who can’t shut the eff up, starts talking I find myself turning up the music, going outside or screaming in my head. I can’t describe how annoying it is but there’s been talk of driving him out to a pasture and leaving him there, or pushing him off a cliff (by others). I’ve never been a fan of screaming anyway but after the neighbor experience and the coworker, I have found it a nice change to listen to quiet sometimes. It helps decompress.

When I got to work this morning, still in my good mood, I found that he would be out most of the day. While I thought my good mood wouldn’t last, I held on to it for a few moments longer and then it just stayed all day. I’m not sure if it was the dream or if some of my happiness is coming back but whatever the reason I’ll take it. I’m looking forward to another short week and a lazy day on Friday. No plans and I want to keep it that way. I’ll celebrate the midnight but after that I’ll be quite happy to stay in bed and watch movies all day but this time it’s not an escape. It’s just relaxation. I’ll have my New Year Good Luck soup on the stove and I’ll be content to just be. Craziness can start all over again on Saturday, if it must but until then I choose quiet. The New Year never really starts until the 2nd anyway 🙂

What’s your favorite sound? Sometimes mine is quiet, sometimes it’s music and sometimes it’s someone’s voice or laugh.

That’s my random thoughts or story for today. Hope you all had a great day.

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Home is where the mortgage is…

Ever since my ex asked me to move in with him months ago, actually way before that, I’ve wanted a small house. I knew it would never be with him so I just assumed I’d be “apartment living” for a very long time. Today, I drove past this adorable little house in a nice neighborhood that is probably cheaper than my rent here. I’m considering this a lot.

I’ve been talking about “getting the eff out of this town” but the truth is, I actually like it here. I like this town. I’m completely aware that my instinct to move is mostly due to the fact that I have gone through a lot this year but am well aware that no matter where I move, my problems would follow me there as well. So, I’m a lot more at peace with things or situation that have happened. Now, I need to relocate from my current address.

My friend, who’s very spiritual, made me realize that instead of looking at my new car as just another car payment, I should look at it as new energy. This made me think just how much crappy energy is in the place where I live. There’s past boyfriends, there’s bad times, there’s hard situations. Now, I’m not going to discard the fun, memorable times I’ve had here but everyone could do with some new energy right?

I think, when you get to a certain age, you should have something that’s your own. There’s something so appealing to me about having paint in my hair, tools in my hand and all for a place that I call my own and even with all my years of it just being me, I wouldn’t give up the opportunity to share this with a roommate, boyfriend or maybe, one day, something even more substantial than that.

Being around my brother and sister-in-law makes me kind of want that type of situation but with my quirky spin on things. Even though they were stressed and fighting with each other they are still very succinct and they are amazing at compromise. I felt a little guilty being in the middle of some of their fights everything has it’s ebbs and flows so I’m pretty sure once the holiday craziness wore off and the family all left then they would find their normal ground.

My brother actually did it. He broke the cycle of being a crappy father. You know, a lot gets blamed on your family. If the daughter is crazy, it must be the mother or if the son is an a-hole then it must come from the father. We had a crappy childhood. It was filled with screams, curses and an absent father, which at the time was probably best. We were terrified of him when he was there so the alternative would always have been better but I don’t have a great relationship with him now. Not at all. He comes to town once a month and I’ve never seen him while he’s here. When he went in for open heart surgery, we didn’t exchange the “L word” or hug. We just nodded to each other like a “hey bro” nod. But like I said, my brother has broken that mold and makes it a point to watch and document all of his daughter’s first, to be present as much as possible and to go the extra mile to ensure that his daughter ALWAYS trust, confides and relishes their time together.

I’d probably never tell him all that above but maybe one day. Sometimes you think to yourself that you’re destined to screw something up if you have a child and sometimes that fear outweighs the amazingness of what can be. I think that may have been why, for such a long time, that I wasn’t where others were with having a child. I just assumed that I’d royally eff it up but I have much more faith in myself now which is something that I work on every single day. Being able to realize that is a step in the right direction I suppose and only to grow every day as well.

So I, kind of, find myself getting used to the idea of 2.5 kids, a husband and a white picket fence although not in that order and maybe not exactly. I think, as long as two people love and respect each other, there’s a chance than anything can happen. It’s never going to be picture perfect but I can always start with a small home that I can call my own. This is just something I will go into the new year thinking about. If the saying is true, “Home is where the heart is”, then I’m not really sure where my home is right now but I’m willing to search for it.

Hope you all had a wonderful day.

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Somewhere between unproductive and productive day…

Well, I didn’t actually stay at home ALL day but for the most part. I’ve been trying to make a to-do list of all the things I need to check or scratch off. There’s actually a lot but I’m glad. I really want to stay busy. I want to make a calm little space in my home so that I can meditate or color or just chill the eff out. That’s my first main goal.

My other goal is to come up with my goals for the new year. These are NOT resolutions. For some reason the word “resolution” starts to have negative connotations after not actually resolving anything in the past so I choose to have goals. I’ll work on some on New Years. It’ll be another low key year end with my friend who was here last year. She seems to think that because her dreams came true this year that she wants to repeat that. Unfortunately, mine did not. :-\  or maybe everything turned out the way it was supposed to… I’m not really sure yet. I’m all for new starts, new beginnings and bettering what was never actually resolved so maybe…

I will share three gifts that are my absolute favorite this year. I’ll admit that it’s kind of hard to impress me when it comes to gifts because I’m a much better giver than I am a receiver. But they did good this year.

First, was my Fitbit Surge. I’m a huge fan of the fitbit line and I think I’ve officially owned every version now but this one is the most awesome and it’s going to help me reach my goal and run a half marathon by the end of the year. That’s always been on my bucket list (I hate that phrase).

Second, a compass necklace. It sounds corny but I’ve lost my way this year. I thought I wasn’t actually going to make it back for a while but I did which makes this all that much more awesome. It also comes with a quote from Henry D Thoreau “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams”. While my dreams are still leading me down a path of a road that’s had construction I still believe that there’s some validity to them.

Lastly, I received a framed print of my favorite artist. Leonid Afremov’s A Kiss in the Woods. It’s probably one of his lesser known paintings and not nearly as colorful as some of his others but there’s just something about it that I find beautiful. All his paintings are amazing and so vibrant and the ironic part is that I’m not someone who goes crazy with color. I’m a dark hue type of person. I like my blacks, greys and dark blues but his work has always stood out to me. I’d still like to own the actual painting and not just the print one day but I am happy with the print.

And there you have a three best gifts this year. This week will be a lot of cleaning, arranging and relaxation and A LOT of lists. I really like my lists. I’m going to go enjoy this cold air for a bit and then try to sleep.  Hope you had a great day. What are you goals?

Starting Hibernation Mode…

First, I hope that you all had a great holiday, whether you celebrate Christmas or not it’s still a time to see people, have some fun and see pretty lights all around. I’ve, actually, had a blast with some salted in drama throughout the days. For a change of pace, since I usually write depressing or sad stuff, I’ll tell you about some of the good things…

First, I made the journey in record time. I shouldn’t be proud of this but I was shocked at how fast I made it to my brothers place. Then we pissed around for a while and I got to play with my niece. It is exhausting to chase after a 3 year old but so much fun. She’s addicted to Olaf from frozen and Buzz Lightyear. Which made Christmas shopping for her so easy and I believe I have mastered their voices now. A bit later in the day, Christmas Eve, we got dressed up and went to have Christmas Eve “fancy dinner” at my sister-in-laws mothers home, which is right down the street. There was about 15 people there or so. This is where we fill the “assigned stocking” of whoever they were picked to fill on Thanksgiving. Someone thought it would be funny to make me be the “stocking fairy” this year which basically meant that I decided who got who for the stocking.

When I moved back in the room and called each person in one by one to fill someones stocking I basically just stood back, helped when needed and secretly rolled my eyes about how uncomfortable my shoes where. Well, my sister-in-law is lucky enough to still have her Grandmother around. Her grandmother is a very classy, smart and witty woman, even though she’s well into her 90’s. She still has most of her mental capacity, memories and, the part I love, her sarcastic responses. Well, I had chosen someone who I thought would fill her stocking with care. Because of some hiccups, that was changed and the person who actually filled her stocking was a sort of dimwitted cheap woman. She’s only in the family by marriage but she thought that it would have been appropriate to put naughty panties in this elderly woman’s stocking. While we all have a great sense of humor, imagine if someone would have given some slutty panties to the Queen or Jackie O… Yep, so this became a laughing point and they were discarded but at least we will always have a story to tell. I wish I was able to convey the look that everyone got on their faces when they found this out. It was of both shock and disgust. The only phrase that comes to mind is, “People, know your audience!”

Moving on… After that whole debacle, my niece was becoming a bit overwhelmed inside with all the people, drinking, talking and just general chaos of the holiday, so in our nice Eve outfits, I took my niece outside and we laid in the grass, we ran down the street and played with sticks. Sometimes, having a conversation with a three year old is much more entertaining than 15 adults. Actually, every time. We then got to go home and relax for a little and I’ve actually forgotten what we all did. But then it was finally time to sleep.

I woke the next morning, on Christmas Day, to an onslaught of text and calls all wishing a good day with family. My first mission was to forgo the nice clothes and makeup and just snake my way through the crowd to the coffee maker where I was greeted with a great big knee hug from my niece. She was probably thinking, “Finally, someone who acts more my age!” Then it was on to stockings, paper being thrown out everywhere, giggles and sharing. I had realized that my niece and sister-in-law where wearing matching jammies but it was just cute until I saw my brother in his matching set too… That had me on the floor. I couldn’t catch my breath. It was the funniest yet grossly cutest thing, I think he’s ever had to do by force.

After that, we then hand out all the gifts to their owners. This process is not a small feat with 15 plus people. Then we all opened everything in about 20 minutes. Tearing through, showing everyone, ripping open another one. This is one of the first years that I can say I liked everything that was given but as every year, I had much more fun seeing everyone open my gifts.

See, being British means that we don’t openly show emotions. We don’t say the “L word” and we’re not, or at least I’m not, a hugely physical person when it comes to hugs and kisses. So, in our own fashion, we just buy expensive gifts. That’s our way to say, “Ok, I kinda like you now don’t touch me”. I’ve done this my whole life. I got this from my dad. But that gets passed down to whoever is in our “inner circle”. My BFF gets to reap the rewards of our inability express our emotions, my sister-in-law does too and if I EVER bring a boy with me, he will also get to reap these rewards too and the best part is, this never has to be reciprocated. Since I’ve spared them, this long, from my failed relationships, they will be so happy when I do bring someone that they’ll probably buy him a car or house or something. I am very well aware that the gifts, themselves, really shouldn’t matter and they don’t but it’s our process. This is how we do things in our weird, jumbled, family.

My brother actually thought that I’d be bringing a friend to Christmas and I understand why he’d think that since I don’t tell him what’s going on in my life. He doesn’t know that the friend he thought I’d bring and I don’t speak anymore. It’s a nice thought to know that he’d have been fully welcomed there without question and would have gotten his own room to sleep in too. As I said before, our Christmases are made up of many a friend, family and stray. Anyone is welcome.

After that there was a lot of sleepy chatter, mindless grazing and playing with snowball shooters that I didn’t realize would have been such a hit. I’d originally gotten them for my brother and I to have a “snowball fight” with but by the end of the day one of the shooters had been abused so much it broke and there were tiny snowballs EVERYWHERE! That was a blast because we all got to act like kids.

Then it kind of wound down for a while until all the younger adults started drinking and we decided to play Cards Against Humanity… The alcohol loosened up most to allow them to say some of those things. That was funny to see. Grown men, who attend church and give Christian books as gifts reading some of those answers. Luckily, I don’t get embarrassed so I was having a ball.

Boxing day, which is the day after Christmas, was a lot less crazy. I’d left my brothers and (tears) my niece, to go to my BFF’s and her new husbands new house with all her family. She and I exchanged gifts and I got to tell her that she’s coming with me to New York as my gift to her. My friend from the northeast is sending me there as a gift and I am paying it forward. I’m not sure I’d want to see that city with anyone but my BFF. It just wouldn’t be the same. Now, we have something to look forward to and plan.

I should have probably posted a bit each day rather than bombard you with everything all at once and this wouldn’t be so crazy long but I literally passed out each night. I didn’t even do my nightly rituals. Now, for the rest of this weekend and hopefully, the rest of this week, I am hibernating. I am in need of some r&r. When I got home today, after I’d dropped my stuff off and then gone to meet friends for dinner, I’d come home and put all my new things away, neatly and for the first time in days I’d gotten a chance to sit and I realized that I can no longer move. My muscles are sore. My back is hurting and my feet hate me but I wouldn’t have changed a thing over these last few days. I enjoyed myself more than I ever thought I would.

It’s almost 2 a.m. Sunday morning and can’t believe my eyes are still open. I’m going to sleep soon until I just can’t sleep anymore. I hope you all had a wonderful time and I’m sorry but not for this long post. This is one that I want to remember. More later.

Holiday Dreams and New Years Wishes…

Last night I had a dream. I was sitting on the floor next to a fireplace and I was wrapping my In-laws gifts. My other half was sitting on the couch halfway watching TV and we were making jokes, laughing and sharing stories of our past Christmases. This is weird to me because I’ve never done that with any man I’ve dated. I, kind of, made it a point to check out a few days before the holidays so I wouldn’t have to deal with the holiday as a couple. Ironic, since this years it’s all that’s been on my mind.

I spent the evening packing, cleaning up a bit and doing a mental inventory of what I needed to remember tomorrow. I was taking care to wrap my skin care and makeup so it doesn’t leak everywhere and being bombarded with texts. Everyone with the question, “Hey, what are you doing? Do you have time to get together?” I guess I needed some alone time. But I’ll have plenty to do when I get back.

I’ve been inundated with “peaceful and meditative” gifts. Lots of art items, coloring books & pencils, essential oils and a diffuser, book and other things. In theory, when I get back, I have all the elements to be a zen master. We shall see. I’ve got the board games, the Christmas coffee cake and a few surprise items that I ONLY have because I will be entertaining my niece. That, I am happy about.

I realized that this will be the first year in a couple that I won’t have a surprise guest at my home upon my return. I kind of thought that might have become some sort of a tradition. I suppose that wish has expired. I wish I could say that something more substantial and more meaningful has replaced that but it has not. This is the time of year to make amends, to be thankful or to right the wrongs but all I can do is just state that I miss what I’ve had for the last two years and it’s hard to not have it this year. Again, this must be where “Everything happens, happens for a reason”. Sometimes I want to throat-punch the person who came up with that phrase, other times I just nod my head and say, “Yep, of course it does”.

I will say that I am still in the holiday spirit, even though it might not sound like it. I have my Snoopy and Elf Christmas shirts packed with my red chuck all stars. I have all things ready to be moved into my car and hopefully a decent start off in the morning. Before I leave though I wanted to say Happy Holidays and Merry Christmas to you all. I wanted to thank you for reading these weird, boring, sometimes comical parts of my life.

I hope that you are all surrounded by loved ones, happy and content. Be grateful for what you have, right now, today. One day it might not be there and you’ll wish it was taken care of better. Hugs to you all (and I’m not even a hugger). More later. Good night.

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Finally time to rest, for a minute or two.

I’ve officially finished shopping, wrapping and buying anything for a while. I’m so happy to be done with it all. I like to buy things but I’m not a fan of the whole shopping experience especially when there’s so much retail bitchiness out there. I’ve witness two fights over parking spots, tug of war over the last item on a shelf and people stealing. Since when was all that supposed to be in the Christmas spirit? I think next year I’ll suggest that we all just send each other photos of the things that we WOULD buy for each other and then share a phone call or two instead. It’s not that I’m not in the spirit this year, actually I am more than the last several. I’ve “Olaf’ed from Frozen” my nails for my niece. I’m bringing games and I will cook something.

Speaking of games, I broken down and purchases Cards Against Humanity and have to say that while playing this today, I almost peed twice. It’s absolutely a game that I got into but I’m a pretty competitive person so I can get into anything as long as there is a winner. I’ll be off soon on my three day, two night excursion and the one thing I can say is that with all the crap I have to pack and take with me, I miss my old car a bit however, my new one has total new energy in it so it’s an even trade for less trunk space.

I’ve already been given a few things like makeup, jewelry, cash and oils but there’s still things that I really, really want that no one knows about. I still need my dished done, my laundry done and my home a bit cleaner. Those are the things that I would tell Santa to bring me if he could. I might even skip the request for a husband if I could get a housekeeper instead. Okay, that’s not true but if he could bring me one that cleaners, cooked and massaged my very soar shoulders that would be the best gift ever.

I digress. I went to a friends house earlier and her little girl was upset and crying. I think she’s four. Right before I left she handed me this yellow gemstone, out of no where. I found it appropriate since the gemstones means the following, “Clarity for decision making, relief from burnout, panic nervousness, exhaustion, protection from lethargy and depression during dull weather.” I think it’s probably something that we could all use around this time of year but I do have to say that I’m pretty bummed that it won’t be snowing this year or even coming close. Alright, I don’t ever actually expect it to snow here but I would like weather that warrants gloves, boots and thick sweaters and not shorts and t-shirts. If I wanted a warm winter, I’d go vacation on an island somewhere with my Christmas cash. Saying that above makes me feel guilty that I never made it to Goodwill or somewhere to donate my overflowing garbage bags full of donations. I had every intent to do that before I left. That will be first on my to-do list when I get back.

So on to traditions. My family used to have this crazy tradition where we’d open each gift separately from stocking to tree. It would take hours. Once, we were doing it till 3 in the morning. Friends would come over throughout the day and just sit back and watch what we’d do and in normal British tradition we’d have mini-breaks to smoke, refill drinks or eat sausage rolls or minced pies (gross). Then, my brother married into a family that was a lot different than that and for years we’ve had a combined Christmas where we eat at my brother’s mother-in-laws house on the eve then on Christmas day would either be at my parents or brothers. Now it’s at my brothers since his house is huge and everyone opens one gift separately and the rest you just tear open. Our tradition was tedious but they’re is hectic. I’m sure somewhere in between is a compromise.

That’s something that I say a lot. I like the idea of a tradition. My parents, brother and I still have a few British traditions like crackers, brandy butter (yum) and cheese and port afterward but I’d like to start my own with my own family. I guess I have one and that’s with my BFF. She and I usually have our Christmas the day after on Boxing day. That’s about it though. I like things that I have that are just mine and one other. I like the idea that there’s some sort of structure or routine that’s just ours. I like tradition, what can I say…

There is one little gift that I’m super excited about though. It’s one for just my brother and I. I bought a snowball shooter, or two of them for us to play shoot each other with, with extra snowballs. Yep, there’s a lot about me that’s still a kid. I don’t ever want to lose that child-like quality about myself. Whether it’s snowball fights, water gun fights or just being a bit silly I want to have all those things with someone that I can start traditions with too. Is that too much to ask?

Ok, so this diatribe of holiday spirit has gone on way too long. I’m going to finish a bit of clearing up, pray for things that I might never get and sleep. Hope you are all enjoying this time.

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