I just, finally, got a chance to think for a while and realized that I hadn’t been on here for sometime. My world has been crazy and strange as usual but I’ve also been boycotting social media as I’ve been going through a lot. After reading an article and talking to a friend of mine we’d discussed how much better it feels to not be on any site but rather out in the real world. The article was stating the obvious, that people are happier, healthier and more mentally stable when they are not on social media and the ones that aren’t on there are often more intelligent and well grounded. I do understand that this site is considered social media but I look at it more as an online journal. I deleted some site profiles and facebook will be dumped as soon as I can switch over the admin rights to my business site.
But it started me thinking that I was supposed to be going sky diving in a few days. Which made me think of my friend that I’ve talked about so much on here. We’ve not seen or spoken to each other in months. I’m not really sure how I feel about that but I do know that I can read this as God answering my prayer. My last prayer for him was that if my friend truly loved and cared for me as he said he did then he’d find a way to reach out to me without any asterisk or reason but if my “friend” was just using me and never really cared about our friendship then I wouldn’t hear from him. Well, I’ve not heard from him. I’ve been so wrapped up in some really bad stuff that I’ve not had time to process this much but it makes me sad that this will be his first birthday in a few years that someone else will get to make sure he gets pampered. Since God might have answered my prayers, it’s possible he never really cared that it was me that was making sure his day was what he wanted anyway. I miss his face, our time together and I miss our weird relationship but as I’ve said many times before, I guess this had an expiration date. It didn’t have to but he has had no drive to reach out once he found someone else to spend his time with. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again and maybe one day I’ll realize why this happened.
But moving on passed that bit of sadness, it’s now the time for giving. I’ve been doing a lot of volunteer work lately and trying to, at the very least, make others happy. Truth is, and please don’t spread this, but I’m actually a very nice and kind person. I’m just wrapped in an icy package. If you can break through that then there’s hope for you.
I’m not sure I’m ready to write about the bad stuff that’s been going on lately but only because I’m trying to sort it all out. I’m not so good at the communication or the emotional stuff. This is where I need help, always have. I’ve still not had any time to just sit and watch TV for months now. My DVR queue is doubling by the day and I don’t really even have much desire to care about it. Three of my favorite shows started in the past couple months and I’ve not watched any of it.
Soon we’ll be doing the Thanksgiving thing with family and friends and not long after that it’ll be Christmas. I can’t even think about that let alone be reminded every time I walk into any establishment. People are already asking what I want for Christmas and the things I really want I can’t ask for or don’t know how. This would be my list:
I want to be able to be emotionally healthy.
I want bad things to stop happening to the people I care about and me.
I want a redo on a few things.
I want someone to realize that I need things that I’m not willing to ask for and just help anyway.
I want to have not been right about a lot of things lately.
I want my world to stop spinning so fast for just a little while.
I want some happy in my life.
I want all the stupid, fake, simple and hurtful people to just go away, far far away from me.
That’s my list. Should all be easy to do right? Not so much but I have been going to church and meditating a lot lately. That helps, both do. My music is still there which helps. Today, apparently, I was supposed to spend my time driving listening to the Velvet Underground and Nico. Not such a bad idea, iTunes music. Thank you. But what I’m really in need of is some good or even great surprises. I need this to happen sooner than later or I’m going to go off the deep end. I’m so tired of the same, simple, shitty expectations being met. Even the boys that are around me are the same, simple and shitty. Well, that’s not true. They’re not shitty. They are, however, boring. There’s just no spark. I don’t waste my time without a spark anymore. There’s just no reason too.
Blah, I wish I had something perfectly amazing to write about but not lately, I don’t. Maybe I’ll have better luck this weekend. I have no idea why. Too many things to do when all I want to do is sleep.
I hope you all are having a amazing and blessed day. What’s on your Christmas list?