Summation of the Thanksgiving holiday…

Well, the Thanksgiving holiday is over and all in all it was nice. I got to see a few friends I hadn’t seen in a while. I had a few surprises and I got to spend lots of time with my niece. Not to brag here but she’s pretty darn smart for her age so it was more fun to hang with her than a lot of my own friends. The best part was leaving her with the most annoying gift ever. It was a Santa that danced, sang and took selfies. My sister-in-law has been cursing me since I left.

This is a bit of a strange year. So much was supposed to happen in the great category. I even rang in the new year with a “to do list” of things I wanted to accomplish this year but not much of that has occurred. A lot of unexpected, crappy stuff has happened, like getting hurt in a car accident and not being able to exercise. This is one of my least favorite things but my doctor gave me the “all clear” to start back up again. I can always make this last month of the year my best yet, especially for my own health.

That was part of the conversation that my old friend from the northeast and I were talking about at dinner. We’re at that age where this is where we need to take better care of ourselves more than ever, no matter what your plans are in the future. Now that the ex is completely gone and I’ve back to better then it’s time to get my head in the game (as they say).

I’ve said before that I’ve never had a problem working out, in fact, I really enjoy it. It’s a stress reliever and you feel a sense of accomplishment when you get a little rather than the day before but this time there’s no huge proclamation of a lifestyle change. There’s no sending out the newsletter to inform everyone, not that I’d do that anyway. There’s no huge plan in place. I’m just taking it little strides at a time. I’m going to try to be a bit better than the day before.

It’s the one thing that can come easy when you’re single. I’ve always kept in my routine when there’s someone else there too but now there’s no distractions, no one else’s needs to take care of first. I’ve said from the beginning of the year that this year would be my most selfish year because I’ve spent a lot of time on others, making sure they’re ok and they’re taken care of but now it’s my turn and I can’t count on anyone for this but me.

Another thing that my friend and I talked about tonight was how good my brother and his wife’s relationship is. It’s surprisingly very symbiotic. They are equal partners and they’re found a way to merge two lives instead of putting one life on hold for the other. Neither of them had the best roll models for marriage but somehow they seem to have figured this out. It’s a nice change from the constant blaming game that others have. I’m not a fan of excuses; in fact, I’d say that I hate excuses. This rings true especially when you become an adult and still blame your childhood for your short comings. I’m sure I’m guilty of this. I’m sure that I’ve just made myself into a hypocrite but hopefully, I can learn from my and others mistakes from years ago and use those as building blocks to make a better world around me.

There’s still a few things and people that I missed over this holiday but hopefully I’ll get the chance to see them before the year is out. As much as you can say, “I’ll start or do that next year. It’ll be a whole new year”. It’s better to actually go into the year clearing up old messes or making amends for things that should have been taken care of before. Who wants to START the new year with something hanging over your head? But I digress… It’s better that I just deal with the next holiday first as that’s going to come up fast.

I’ve got my Christmas list and I’ve checked it twice. Now, it’s just time to implement as much as I can before the day comes screaming up and smacking me in the face. My family has always had an open door policy for those that have no where else to go for the holidays so there’s already there’s about 20 or so people that will be there this year. It’s hectic and hard not to get swarmed in to the anxiety of the season but I will try my hardest to just coast through it. Be where I need to be and do what I need to do. My philosophy is a heck of a lot more chilled than years before. I will be zen this holiday season even if I have to ask for help to bury the bodies first. 🙂

I’m off to do a last minute walk and then bed. Hope you all had a nice holiday and weekend.

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S CHRISTMAS VACATION, Chevy Chase, 1989

NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION, Chevy Chase, 1989

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Giving Thanks…

Today I write early because the holiday crazy will take all my attention. I wanted to wish everyone a happy Thanksgiving and write a few things that I have been grateful for this year, so far.

I am grateful for…
Friends and family. Those that are still here and those that are not.
Each lesson taught and each lesson learned.
The highs and the lows on the roller coaster of life.
New starts, new beginnings, and new chances.
Understanding and connections.
New adventures and relaxation.
Catching up with old friends.
All the things that money can’t buy.

Lastly, I’m grateful for all that fall down the rabbit hole with me on here. Thanks for listening or reading my ramblings of my worst days and sometimes better days.

I hope you all have a wonderful Thanksgiving and enjoy the crazy!

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Baby steps…

I just got back from seeing my friends new baby today. There was this perfect, tiny package of her posterity. She did it all by herself. There he laid, asleep, in my arms without a care or concern in the world. Aside from a few smacks on the butt, he’d never been hurt, never been lied to and never seen pain. He was a pure blank slate. I have to be honest here and say I think my uterus cried a few tears of joy in that moment. He was just so new.

Isn’t that what life is truly about though? Isn’t it about finding someone who you can tolerate to co-parent a child for at least eighteen years with. Finding someone who’s faults and flaws can counter act yours and who can highlight the blessings and positive energy that you both share? Otherwise, what’s the point in this whole dating business?

This is why I find it so hard to continue to have patience or let someone court me who I know is someone that is so inferior to my end game. I am not and have never looked for perfection. I search for a connection, a truth, a bond that can’t be overwritten by someone flaws. This is where I find myself biting myself in my own ass because that bond or connection is so hard to come by. It’s usually somewhere half way between a first date where I find myself already picking out what’s wrong with this person. I’ve tried to “wait for the connection” or “wait for the spark” but I feel if it’s not there in the first few moments, it’ll never come.

If someone’s too young, too old, too crazy or not crazy enough, what’s the point? Why waste either of your time? Just so the other side of the bed isn’t too cold on a chilly night? That sounds selfish and stupid to me. There’s just no reason for that. I know that if I can finally find someone that I’ll let take care of me then I know he’s the one. I know that if I still care to hear the words coming out of his mouth by the time the main course comes then he’s the one. I know that when the room is quite and there’s no uncomfortable silence, there’s no “trying to impress”, when everything becomes easy… I’ll just know.

It’s an exciting proposition to know that this is still out there to experience. There’s a sort of found hope about something so new coming into this world. So tonight I am thankful for tiny, little, miracles. I’m in a happy and hopeful place right now and I’ll try to hold on to this as long as possible. It’s kind of a beautiful peaceful place.

Hope you found a little bit of perfect today.

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In the rabbit hole…

It seems as though I’ve fallen further down the rabbit hole than ever before. It’s strangely nice, dark and quiet in here. I’ve been spending time with people I don’t care much about, therefore not offending when I sit quietly and smile. I really don’t know why this time is so dark but I need to get out of this hole quickly as I’ll soon be spending time with people that matter. I need to be in the moment soon and it’s going to be a busy week.

It feels like I’ve not had enough time to come up for air and between all the crazy, bad shit that’s happened over the last few months, the least of all that being my iCloud account being hacked and losing all my contacts, I’d also gotten into a car wreck. It wasn’t my car but still battered my body enough to where it hurt to breath for a few days. Again, these are the best of the bads that have happened.

On another note, I had to break down and get a new car. I wasn’t sure I was ready or wanted to but my friend explained this to me in a new way which was, “I was getting into new energy”. I hadn’t really thought about that till she said it. I do need to energy. I need calm and clean energy around me. I don’t know why I’ve been seeking refuge with crazy, narcissistic energy lately. I suppose so I don’t get attached. That’s the best way to explain it. But now, all I want to do is climb out of this black hole with more zest than ever.

My friend is having her baby tomorrow and that’s absolutely new energy. I finally get two real (not sick) days off work on Thursday and Friday which will make a four day weekend just the thing the doctor ordered. I’ll be traveling and also, hopefully, seeing my friend from the northeast soon as well. Plus I get to spend time with my BFF and my niece which will bring in some good vibes. After I get back, hopefully Friday, maybe I’ll muster some great energy of my own somehow by going through the rest of my belongings and getting rid of all the crap I no longer need.

I need to start writing again. It’s usually when I’m at my darkest that I don’t or when I’m getting into some trouble. I’m looking to get out of trouble now and as my weekly horoscope says, “bring about my quirkiness”. I am still finding my way back through some dark, prickly and dangerous terrain but with help of those close to me, even without their knowledge, they are helping me. I do need one, final pull though and I think I’ll be above ground for the first time in a long time.

It’s almost the end of yet another year. I feel like I’ve done so much this year but never left the same spot. Still single, still not entirely fixed but at least on the right track at this very moment to move ahead a bit more. There’s still going to be days that I don’t want to get out of bed or that I’d rather be with pointless people to avoid the silence in my home but if those days are fewer and farther in between then it means things are getting better right?

I able to breath a bit better tonight and not feel so suffocated. There’s a sense of lightness that had come over me since yesterday. I have no idea where that’s come from but can’t be thankful enough for it. I am preparing for a busy week but a brighter week. Trying to put all the past crap behind me and only looking forward. We shall see how this works.

I hope you are all having a great weekend and a peaceful one as well. Here’s to better days.

brighter day

Social Media boycott and other useless things…

I just, finally, got a chance to think for a while and realized that I hadn’t been on here for sometime. My world has been crazy and strange as usual but I’ve also been boycotting social media as I’ve been going through a lot. After reading an article and talking to a friend of mine we’d discussed how much better it feels to not be on any site but rather out in the real world. The article was stating the obvious, that people are happier, healthier and more mentally stable when they are not on social media and the ones that aren’t on there are often more intelligent and well grounded. I do understand that this site is considered social media but I look at it more as an online journal. I deleted some site profiles and facebook will be dumped as soon as I can switch over the admin rights to my business site.

But it started me thinking that I was supposed to be going sky diving in a few days. Which made me think of my friend that I’ve talked about so much on here. We’ve not seen or spoken to each other in months. I’m not really sure how I feel about that but I do know that I can read this as God answering my prayer. My last prayer for him was that if my friend truly loved and cared for me as he said he did then he’d find a way to reach out to me without any asterisk or reason but if my “friend” was just using me and never really cared about our friendship then I wouldn’t hear from him. Well, I’ve not heard from him. I’ve been so wrapped up in some really bad stuff that I’ve not had time to process this much but it makes me sad that this will be his first birthday in a few years that someone else will get to make sure he gets pampered. Since God might have answered my prayers, it’s possible he never really cared that it was me that was making sure his day was what he wanted anyway. I miss his face, our time together and I miss our weird relationship but as I’ve said many times before, I guess this had an expiration date. It didn’t have to but he has had no drive to reach out once he found someone else to spend his time with. Maybe one day we’ll cross paths again and maybe one day I’ll realize why this happened.

But moving on passed that bit of sadness, it’s now the time for giving. I’ve been doing a lot of volunteer work lately and trying to, at the very least, make others happy. Truth is, and please don’t spread this, but I’m actually a very nice and kind person. I’m just wrapped in an icy package. If you can break through that then there’s hope for you.

I’m not sure I’m ready to write about the bad stuff that’s been going on lately but only because I’m trying to sort it all out. I’m not so good at the communication or the emotional stuff. This is where I need help, always have. I’ve still not had any time to just sit and watch TV for months now. My DVR queue is doubling by the day and I don’t really even have much desire to care about it. Three of my favorite shows started in the past couple months and I’ve not watched any of it.

Soon we’ll be doing the Thanksgiving thing with family and friends and not long after that it’ll be Christmas. I can’t even think about that let alone be reminded every time I walk into any establishment. People are already asking what I want for Christmas and the things I really want I can’t ask for or don’t know how. This would be my list:
I want to be able to be emotionally healthy.
I want bad things to stop happening to the people I care about and me.
I want a redo on a few things.
I want someone to realize that I need things that I’m not willing to ask for and just help anyway.
I want to have not been right about a lot of things lately.
I want my world to stop spinning so fast for just a little while.
I want some happy in my life.
I want all the stupid, fake, simple and hurtful people to just go away, far far away from me.

That’s my list. Should all be easy to do right? Not so much but I have been going to church and meditating a lot lately. That helps, both do. My music is still there which helps. Today, apparently, I was supposed to spend my time driving listening to the Velvet Underground and Nico. Not such a bad idea, iTunes music. Thank you. But what I’m really in need of is some good or even great surprises. I need this to happen sooner than later or I’m going to go off the deep end. I’m so tired of the same, simple, shitty expectations being met. Even the boys that are around me are the same, simple and shitty. Well, that’s not true. They’re not shitty. They are, however, boring. There’s just no spark. I don’t waste my time without a spark anymore. There’s just no reason too.

Blah, I wish I had something perfectly amazing to write about but not lately, I don’t. Maybe I’ll have better luck this weekend. I have no idea why. Too many things to do when all I want to do is sleep.

I hope you all are having a amazing and blessed day. What’s on your Christmas list?

prayer changes

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