For someone with such a strange and social life, I’ve turned into boring. More boring than I care to remember. There’s been a lot going on and none of it seems to be fun nor meaningful. I’ve barely had a chance to just sit and actually watch TV or at least remember what I’ve just watched. I want to have a relaxing night and enjoy and embrace the coolness that’s entered the night.
There’s things going on all around me. Most are not that pleasant. As I said before, I’ve been to too many hospitals and been through some strange events over the last few weeks I can’t seem to quiet my mind either. It’s racing to no where or to somewhere that I don’t want it to be. I wish I could write about all the fun I’ve had or the awesomely memorable moments but I’m stressed and even the fun moments seem like they take too much energy which I’m not full of these days.
I can’t even put my thoughts together enough to write here which is where my solace seems to be. I don’t come here much these days because these are not times I want to remember days, weeks, months or years from now. I’m tired, so tired. I’m lost and somewhere between sad and catatonic but at least catatonic is closer to numb than I’ve been in a while.
I just want to do something different than what I’ve been doing. I want a different mindset and a different set of emotions. I want a different place or a different space. My dishes are piled as high as my unwanted thoughts. My trash is overflowing like my head. I should just lock myself in and fix my space before I do anything but home is the last place I want to be. The moment I’m here I’m reminded that it’s too quiet and that I don’t like quiet these days even though I could do with some empty space inside my mind.
I’m jumbled, possibly in trouble but can’t open my mouth to say anything to anyone that’s of any importance. My words are unimportant not the people. I’ve spoken to so many people lately and still nothing is exciting me. There’s no spark or thrill or life line that’s helping me pull myself out. I’m still tired and cracked. People around me are broken and cracked and I can’t fix them. I need to know that I’ve helped. I need to know that they’re different but I won’t ask. I hear their words but forget everything moments later.
Work is a paradox of boredom and busy that takes my mind off happenings for at least 40 hours a week but that’s all monotony. There’s nothing out there that’s reigniting a single solitary ash that’s been left burning in hopes that someone will set fire to it soon. There’s faint smoke but nothing enough to signal for help. I’ve turned off all honest, emotional communication and now it’s all sarcasm and filler. I wasn’t programmed for a life less ordinary and I’m failing myself.
The light is bright from the outside world chiming in with messages of simplicity. I ignore most until I’m requested for something that, at the very least, gets me out of my fortress of solitude. Everyone seems filled with their own sense of dysfunction and my peace is helping them, not me. If I wasn’t proud, too proud, I’d scream “Let me out of here”. But I’ve placed myself in my own paradox.
Ripping intellectual and spiritual advice to others which I pay no attention to myself. I don’t listen to my own words. That’s our own curse isn’t it? We don’t listen to ourselves? We don’t take our own advice? We are our own worst enemies? I can be a strengthening pillar to everyone else but, yet again, I scream, “Where’s my pillar of strength? Where’s my pillar of hope?” I thought it was in a book, that’s kept by a night table that’s supposed to bring me solace. I thought it was in a picture of the past that reminded me what I need. I thought in was in the simple task of dropping to my knees with clasped hands and asking for something that I don’t deserve but want more than anything. I think I thought wrong because that line of communication seems to have been severed on His end, not mine.
But, I will continue to follow the direction of so many and continue my nightly ritual of asking for help from something that’s voice full of answers hasn’t been heard yet. There’s so many things that are being asked of him. I’m just in line. This is what asking for patience and understand gets me but I continue to ask as well as so much more than I need more than I’ve ever wanted.
These are not sad thoughts tonight, only ones of confusion and maybe guilt which is why my next journey starts with the forgiveness of everyone, including myself. There’s a path I need to be one but I’m just not sure that this street of memories will get me there.
That is all for tonight. I feel better.