Good morning. I’m actually happy that it’s Monday today. I had the worst weekend. Apparently, the “quit smoking” pill that I started taking less than a month ago, wasn’t made for me and I had the worst reaction to it ever. I ended up in the ER Friday night. Yep, that’s how my weekend went. So I guess my dream of turning my phone off all weekend and not doing anything actually came to fruition, by accident.
By the time I actually turned my phone on Sunday night it blew up with texts and voicemails. Some were pissed that I wasn’t responding and some were just used to it. Either way, the weekend was bad. The Dr ended up giving me some crap that pretty much knocked me out all weekend so I was pretty out of it. All in all, that part wasn’t so bad.
I’d actually thought about calling my friend for his help but since he’s been busy I didn’t want to disturb him. He’s got his own life to lead and right now, that doesn’t include me so I need to not have mine include him I suppose although I do miss him.
In a funny twist of fate, part of the reason that I’ve been so mad at him is because of money and it has seemed like that’s all this friendship was to him. I get that’s not completely true and found it funny that I saw a message on pinterest or a quote that said “Never expect a loan to a friend to be paid back if you want to keep that friend.” The funny part here was that this has shown up somehow in my life for a while now, without looking for it. I do believe that this is true now. I still have other issues but if I want to keep him in my life then I need to just come to terms that this is how it will be and I think that I have.
I love him. That’s obviously never going to change. I care for him. I have never forgotten or disregarded him since we’ve been friends again and I’ve never spoken unkind of him to others. I do think he’s a great person, an amazing person and I don’t think that will ever change either. I do, however, have an issue with his forgetfulness of others when new people come into his life. I think that’s shitty and not something that I do. But to be accepting of someone you have to be accepting of everything, flaws and faults as well as all the good stuff.
Bottom line is this, with all my time to think this weekend without outside distractions, I know that I want him as a friend in my life. Period. No matter how many times some asshole tries to tell me what a bad person he is on facebook, no matter what the cost, I will always want to make sure he’s ok.
I’ve said this before but no one else’s view or opinion of his has ever changed my opinion of him, it’s just always brought out the insecurities in me, which I’ve never really had to deal with before. This whole friendship has been very therapeutic for me. I guess that’s a good thing. I don’t even know anymore.
So, from this point on, it’s actually no longer my responsibility to figure out if he “should” be in my life or not. It is now up to him to figure out if I “should” be in his which makes things a lot easier since he doesn’t know all of my crazy rambling thoughts over the last few weeks. But I can tell by his silence that he’s busy with something or someone. If that’s the way this goes then I’ll be ok with it because I have to be. As I said before, I still want him in my life and that’s never going to change.
Obviously, I’m feeling a lot better than I have been. I hope this continues… I’m choosing to look at the flower below and not the gloom behind it.