With each passing day of silence, I’m remind as to why I’m done. It’s better to hurt now than later. Get over with the pain like ripping a band-aide off. I’ve been trying to rip this band-aide off for a while now but I’m a masochist. Apparently, I like the pain. I’d felt so numb for so long this was all a shock to the system.
I assume he’s found my worth in someone else, something else or has just become better without it. One day, hopefully, he’ll understand my worth wasn’t in dollars, pills or presents. I’ll still get sad. There’s too much that will remind me of him. What a nice final gift for him to know that the only thing I needed or loved was him without any extras and in his current state. I wish the feelings were returned.
He was never discarded for another. He was never used for sport. He was never ignored or meant to feel anything less than important. Again, I wish all of that was returned. I’m much less angry now but sometimes I wonder just how many addresses he actually has? Just how many of those housed his heart?
I fucking hate this hole that’s left. Time may mean nothing to him but it means a great deal to me. He said I never needed him? Well, fuck him because he never asked. He didn’t want me to need him anyway… Too much responsibility. All I wanted from him was some fucking real emotions. Something aside from anger. This was never shit to him anyway, just a waste of time and space.
So what! He did so many things that I loved in my perfect man, except the one thing that I needed and that was to love back just a little bit. Okay, so I’m a bit mad still. I’m sick of thinking about him when I’m not even a passing thought. I’m sick of dreaming about him when I’m not even a supporting role in his dreams. I’m sick of giving a shit… When does all this fucking shit go away?
… and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Luckily, this is before my workout so maybe I’ll get some of this anger out. I pray every single night for all the people that I love, for Him to watch over them and I always ask him to prove to me that my friend is supposed to be in my life. So far, he’s made his point very clear this week. I’ve been told that when you pray, not getting an answer isn’t the same as getting one but what do I know about this stuff?
I honestly have no idea anymore why this matters. I should treat this like he does, without a thought in the world. Maybe that’s what I’ll pray for. “Dear God, please make me see this friendship as importantly as he does.” Maybe then I’ll never think about him or care anymore. It really feels like I saved up all my emotions from all my years and shoved them into this… whatever it was.
There is seriously so much more than this going on in my life right now. I can’t take this much longer. I’m going undercover this weekend… Literally, I’m going to get under the covers after work and not come up for air ever… Okay, maybe that’s not how my weekend will go. I’ll try to meditate and each time I think about him I’ll pinch myself. I have a feeling I’ll be black and blue by the time the weekends over.
Call me a broken record all you want but this is getting ridiculous. How is it possible to be so angry, upset, sad and used from one person and yet still feel the love you have for them. Being a fucking chick sucks sometimes. I just want to KNOW WHY!!!!! Why him? Why now? Why this hard? Why can’t it be easy? When will it stop hurting?