Remember when you were a kid and you could just have a “do-over”? That’s what I need. I think I would do a lot of things differently. I would have moved out sooner. I would have gone through more college. I wouldn’t have stolen that pack of thumb tacks for my neighbor when I was twelve. And years later, I wouldn’t have gotten on a boat.
Yes, I’m still pissed from the other nights diatribe of anger, too pissed to go into it now without making this a horrific bitchy post but it has to do with social media, helping the wrong person and an over all sense of feeling like shit about the last two years. This is where my real do over would start.
Lately, I’ve been walking around in a haze of disappointment and sadness. It’s work, then dinner out, then work out, then bed. I still have next to no appetite what-so-ever. Struggling with a decision or many decisions and asking God for an answer has been also on the daily routine. The problem is, I think I’ve pissed Him off somewhere down the road. All I get is these mixed messages and signals and signs. People say, “Listen to your head!” “Listen to your gut!” “Listen to your heart!”. So which is it? Because they all say something different and hell if I know which is right.
This time, this break, feels different though, than all the rest. It seems final, so definitive. I don’t know if it’s because I’m just really over it all by now or what the reason is but nothing has moved over into complete apathy yet. I assume I’ll know the real answer in about 15 days and at that point it’ll be my decision and mine alone. I will not be swayed by feelings.
The truth is, I’m hurt and more than I’ve ever been before. I WAS getting better but then someone had to ruin that. These are the reasons why going to live in a completely different place with completely different people has so much appeal to me. I’m not someone who has to assume the “friendship” of a thousand people to help validate my existence so it can be a remote destination. I’d change my number, check in with family and close friends every week or two and just let go of everything else. You know, they say as you grow older the more friends you have the lonelier you are. They say by the time you’re forty you should have weeded out the acquaintances and just have a few close friends. I’d be ok with that. I’d be ok knowing that I wouldn’t get annoying drunk texts from people that I can barely stand at three in the morning.
Other things that I miss from being a kid…
I miss the simplicity of conversation, no texting or messaging or email bullshit.
I miss snow days and riding my bike home from school.
I miss tag and marco polo.
I miss knowing unequivocally knowing that your friends are your friends because of who you are not because of what you do, or what you can do for them.
I miss a single picked flower from the boy down the street that liked you, even though he’d pull your hair.
I miss that first kiss, the first dance or “getting to second base”.
I miss Polaroids and jump rope and skinny dipping.
I think I just miss the last time I was truly happy because I think I’ve forgotten what that’s like. It’s been too long.
I wish I could pull myself out of this hole of sadness that’s been caused by someone else.
I wish God would make it very, very clear what I am supposed to do.