Final weekend of nothing…

Strangely, having a weekend pretty much all to myself has actually caused me to make a lot of hard decisions. Decisions that I’ve been wrestling with for a while now. So here is what I have decided…

I will no longer be giving to those who haven’t reciprocated.
I will no longer “try” to keep friendships that have much more gains for the other person than for me.
I will be around positive people that have goals and incentive to get to a better place than where they are.
I will no longer be a sucker to my emotions. I’m done.
I’m done with putting my heart on my sleeve and getting it slapped off each time.
I’m done with people or use, manipulate and lie or hurt others because they are hurting themselves.
I’m done not feeling “good enough”.
I’m done crying. No more tears will be shed over shit that only mattered to me.
I’m done with people that don’t have compassion or empathy.
I’m done with anger and other emotions that aren’t helpful.
I’m done sticking around this hell hole with people that are dragging me down.

I knew it would all come to this one day and for some reason today just proved it. When the love turns to anger and the anger turns to apathy… That’s when there’s nothing left. I’m getting the fuck out of his town when my lease is up. I’m done spending money on anything that’s not an absolute necessity for me so that I can move. This place and certain people will be in my rear view mirror soon and I’m completely ok with that.

People are not inherently mean, inconsiderate, assholes. They choose to be that way. They choose to treat people like shit. They choose to forget the ones that have helped them this far. All their actions and lies and manipulations are all chosen. They wonder why things don’t work out. It’s because they treat people like trash and move on to the next person and then when that person is done or is no longer useful then they try to make amends with the good, kind people from their past. I’m so sick of this fucking pattern, this impossible future that’s been the reason I’ve stayed so long. I’ve put in my time and I’m done.

I am well aware that I’ve said that before but like the “Boy who cried wolf” he was eventually right. There has never been such hurt felt out of such love. There will never be again. I don’t know if you did this to me because someone else hurt you or if you really do just have the worst blinders on ever but one day you will actually be sorry and maybe you’ll pray for my forgiveness but will have moved on and there will be nothing left. You did this. No one else. You can’t blame anyone and you can’t “excuse” this away. Your actions have consequences. You amusement of other people, do you think this is all a game? You throw out these little “treats” to keep people around but you never actually want them. You just need them. Then you go through life collecting these little trophy’s of human hearts. Do you know how fucked up that is? And the worst part is that you don’t think people find out? You don’t think we know? Some of the people that you’ve hurt are some vindictive bitches and I am sick of getting stuck in the crossfire of their broken hearts. I’m sick of your actions coming back to haunt me.

I’m so very done this time because your past won’t leave me out of your history and wants to piss on my present. I’m curious thought, what do you do with your collection of broken hearts? I’m curious what you’ll do with mine.

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4 responses to “Final weekend of nothing…

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