My friends and I joke all the time about every situation and the fact that “there’s an app for that”. The ironic part is, there really is. I found one about being broken hearted or going through loss or something. It’s basically hypnosis. I started to look for something like that after I’d been driving around yesterday listening to Songs From An Open Book By: Justin Furstenfeld. It’s half acoustic (which I adore) and half spoken word. There’s one part where he’s quoting his wife. She’d said, “No one grieves this way”. I thought that was brilliant.
This started me on a train of thought about why this is so hard for me right now and why I can’t just turn off these emotions or ignore them like I have always done in my past. What did I come up with? A couple things. First, I think in some weird way this means that I’ve matured, grown up and become somewhat of an adult. Back in my twenties, shit was all about running around with whoever, doing whatever and basically having a childhood that I never really got to. I still had responsibilities and those came first, mostly, but it was all about looking for that hot guy to go to clubs, bars and do other things with.
I was more about my career in the beginning of my thirties and wasn’t focused or had much thought about kids, family. At this point there’d already been a few proposals of which I obviously turned down but then I met the friend. At first it was just all about the fun but something happened through no help of my friend I started picturing a future that was blurred or non-existent up till this point. He’s not the ideal. He’s not responsible, nor much of an adult at times. I’d heard him say a few times “He wants a family, a child” but he never wanted it enough to change his ways. I think he’s more into the idea of what all that means but doesn’t really want the responsibility. But then I’ve also heard him say “Who’s going to marry me in the situation I’m in”. I’ve always hated his self-depreciation and as much as I probably wanted to scream “Uh, me you dumb ass. I’d effing do it because you’re worth it”. Instead I’m sure I just said nothing because he would have made some stupidly shitty joke about it.
But anyway, back to the app, while I was downloading it yesterday, I started thinking about all the broken hearts he’s probably left around the globe. I can’t imagine I’m the only one who’s felt this way. His ways haven’t change since he was probably 20 or so, or so another friend would like me to believe. I never really cared what other people said about him though and all the information was given without request because I believe people should have their secrets. Hell, I’ve dated people for three years and no one knew. I really like my secrets.
I know I’m jumping around here but the point of all this was that, until this friend came alone I’d never really thought about a family and it just hit me one day. I remember the day. It was Christmas night and he had taken Ambien to sleep but hadn’t quite slept yet. I call this the “Ambien Rant” night. It’s the first night he said he loved me and he was throwing out all this “We can do this to get you healthy. Let’s do this. We should do that.” I’d never heard so many “we” and “us” phrases in such a short time and I felt blindsided. Again, this is the rose thorn analogy that his words can be beautiful once you get past the sting, although I hadn’t learned that yet. So after the sting wore off I realized that it’s the first time that I wasn’t scared shitless to hear “we” & “us” and I didn’t vomit when he said the “L word”.
As time grew on, it just became more apparent that I wanted to take care of him like a partner and saw these things about him that I thought were perfect. So knowing, this entire time, that he’s never and will never have those feelings for me I fought them, I pushed, I caused fights, I dated stupid assholes to get my mind off. I did everything humanly possible to make these feelings go away. I went back to my shrink. I went to church. I found a life coach. I consulted the stars, fortune tellers and the psychics. None of this help because here I am now still feeling the same. This really is a cruel joke from the universe.
I know that he wishes I never felt like this. I hope the day comes soon that I don’t have to write about this crap anymore but it really does help. It keeps my crazy secretly on the internet so it doesn’t come out anywhere else. There, my mid-day therapy is done. I like my rainy day today.
The pic, one of my favorite quotes of all times.