Today is a tough day…

I woke up in the middle of the night having a stupid dream with my friend and his mother. This isn’t helping at all. He couldn’t care less and yet my stupid dream has his mother in it.

He’s not reached out, at all. This is his pattern which means that he’s found someone to replace me, which is both sad and disgusting. I’ve always had time for him in my life, even when or if I was dating someone else but he has blinders on. He sees what he wants at that very moment and that’s the only thing that’s important, the rest of the world be damned.

So I guess I’m still a bit angry. I just know already it’ll be weeks, if not longer before he tries to contact me and that’s just proving my theory all along. I told him once that I felt like a trusty, loyal dog. He could run around with who ever and forget I exist but then when he’s done with them, has no money left to spend on them or is just bored, “Oh wait, I can call my friend. She’s always there and will do what I want to do.”

This whole process is supposed to get easier not harder and today feels like a hard day. Stupid effing dreams. The last time his mother appeared in a dream, he’d done something that I was NOT going to forgive him for but then she came along and said some pretty powerful things to me which changed my mind. I’m not really sure she’ll win this time but I’m not really sure that he even cares anymore if I’m there or not.

In all my years of life I’ve never been “friends” or known anyone that didn’t want or need me in their life because of me and only me. This is a whole new thing for me to question someone’s intent but to also only be remembered at the hardest moments of someone’s life or when utter boredom has sunk in.

This is total bullshit. If it even mattered, if I mattered I’d know for sure, 100% and never have to question this. WHY CAN’T HE JUST FUCKING PROVE THAT TO ME? I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

I remember all these promises or plans that HE made, things like salsa lessens, we were going to take cooking classes, he was going to take me to a brewery in the town where we grew up, he promised to take me on a road trip, he’s promised to lend me books, he promised that our friendship wasn’t about the perks that he gets and that I am his “BFF” (that was a drunken speak though). He has yet to follow though with any of that.

I keep getting the same question. If he means that much to you why don’t you just talk to him about this and my answer is this…

He knows my fears and issues with us. I know his faults and issues. The last thing I would ever want is for him to feel worse that he does about life. I also know his patterns and sadly this is one of them. I hate it all. I love him much more than all of these issues put together but after almost two years of this it’s hard to not let broken promises and the idea that others get to see a better him that I ever did hurts like hell. And lastly, sometimes, he just doesn’t see the other side of a situation. He doesn’t understand and feels like he’s being blamed for things that he didn’t do or aren’t his fault. I desperately try to always see both sides of every situation while taking into consideration his current state but there is no denying that when someone new comes along he forgets the old. That’s no way to treat a friend and it just hurts.

I guess that’s where I’m at right now. Even being this angry, I still know that I want him in my life but sometimes it’s not my decision. I wish today started a little better than that.

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2 responses to “Today is a tough day…

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