Well, there’s been no crying yet, which is good and I heard from him once today. It was a tiny little text. They still make me smile and I’m reminded that he’s thought of me in that moment and then it becomes two weeks and nothing. So, I try not to care too much. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate it a lot. My mood has been up and down today, all day. Also, whether it’s because of the depression or the medication to help quit smoking I’ve lost ten pounds in 7 days. I guess that’s a plus.
It’s just hard when I look over this stupid fucking pattern we have. I hate this pattern and it’s all his. He’ll be around for days then off with another for weeks, then back again for a few days then off again with another. For someone who’s had a lot of bad luck in his life I hope he realizes that he’s gotten to do a lot of things that others haven’t. He’s gotten to reap rewards that people choose to bestow on him. His situation sucks, I’m sure a lot of the time but I’ve always been concerned that if his situation wasn’t what it is then we would have never had this friendship at all.
Looking over the last couple years though, we’ve had some special occasions. I’ve spent the last two of his birthdays treating him and making sure his birthday was whatever he wanted. We spent Christmas together the first year and Thanksgiving together the second year. And we got into huge fights after both those holidays… That just made me laugh. We’re stupid and weird but sometimes we’re awesome and sometimes we suck. Right now we suck and he doesn’t even know there’s anything wrong.
This is where he would say “Don’t shut me out. Fucking tell me if there’s something wrong”. Except for the fact that I hate sounding like a broken record. I think, right now, I just need to have one nights sleep where his mother isn’t in my dreams. That would help so much. I’ve never even met the woman because he didn’t want me to. He gave some BS about her being mean and he didn’t want her to hurt my feelings or make me cry but I think it had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want her to think we were anything more than just friends. Not to mention the irony that HE’S the ONLY person that hurts my feelings or makes me cry. Mostly because his opinion matters to me, which is a one way street.
I will share a funny story though, kind of. When my GBF came over the other day and I finally unloaded everything on him he had his own special opinion of what I should do. Basically, I told him about the ex and about the friend and how all this was just making me sad because I could be married and starting a family right now but I don’t want to with my ex. So, my GBF suggested that I ask for my friends sperm. 😐 He said that it would be like him paying me back for all the favors and I’d get to have a child and not have to deal with a relationship. My response was, “He’s been saying he wants to share custody of a dog with me for two years and that’s never happened. Are you kidding me?” The saddest part was I wasn’t opposed to the idea. Blah, the silly things we think about when we’re sad.
All I know is that tomorrow is Friday and I’m so very happy about that. Work, then early dinner and drinks and hopefully home without pants by 10:00 pm. Then maybe I’ll sleep till Monday morning. I really haven’t felt this sad or hurt in a very long time and sometimes it feels so stupid and sometimes I realize that my feelings are not silly, they’re valid and it’s ok that I’m sad. I just don’t want to stay here for too long. Whether we work all this out or not, whether he continues to be in my life or not I need to learn to be ok soon because I hate this feeling. I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.
Still today, I prayed for him and a happy life for him and I asked God to take care of him, not that he doesn’t have swarms of women that do that as well but maybe some guidance. What the heck do I know? But I did sneak in a few requests from God for myself as well. I asked that I be happy soon and I asked him to show me proof that my friend is meant to be in my life or if I was just here to help him this far and my job is over. That sounds bad. He was never a job. Still love this kid, apparently that doesn’t just go away and apparently it will never go away.
So that’s where my mind is tonight. It’s not bad nor good but somewhere in between. Today was better than yesterday and hopefully not as good as tomorrow. I found these two quotes today that seemed to sum up how I feel in this moment. And on a completely girly note, I’m also putting up my favorite artist, Leonid Afremov and for some reason this particular print makes me think of me and my friend… Oh, how I wish I would stop thinking like a girl with him. He wants to wrestle and I want to cuddle. I’ve never been that girl before IN MY LIFE! Blah, Good Night!