Feeling like today would be a better day, then I woke up to a reminder of an appointment that he had this morning. Great start. Then I get to work, hoping to brush off that reminder and I get an email confirmation for our skydiving for his birthday. Then after that, I had a client give me tickets to the soccer game this weekend and was also reminded of the football game with his favorite team that we have tickets too.
I guess that’s where the hard part comes in. Remembering that you have all these future plans and realizing that they won’t actually happen anymore. That part makes me sad today. But it’s all my fault. I set some sort of prescience of not saying no. But the truth is I wanted to take care of him. Always did and always might but it doesn’t matter.
It’s been nine days of not seeing him, which is good because I’m not sure I’m strong enough yet to let all this go if he’s in front of me. Yet again, I’m reminded that he knows none of this because he’s in his own little bubble. Today I feel like beating the shit out of something. Half the time I feel like throwing up. I really do feel stupid that I fell this hard. That wasn’t his fault either. He really never did anything to nurture these feelings but I had them anyway. I really need to know what the life lesson is here and what the purpose of all this is some time soon or I’m going to go officially crazy.
Anyway, that’s my current state right now.