I did good today. I waited until after work, after dinner with friends and even after my shower to cry a bit. This is still gut wrenching for me but I got this strange look at myself and realized that I feel like an idiot. Not because I have all these feelings but because he’s so blissfully unaware of what’s going on with me because he’s in his happy place with other people. I’m hurt and I’m upset and my heart is breaking and he’s just doing what he always does. That’s what set me off this evening.
I also had another thought. The previous post that I admitted that I saw a future and family with him. That’s the first time I’ve said that out loud, even here. This has always gone beyond a crush, beyond just feelings for a good friend. I’ve not been honest with myself which is partly why this is so upsetting to me now.
He’s the first guy in my life that I was truly excepting of all his flaws and faults. I wasn’t oblivious to them, trust me but I did see past all them and realize that the person, beyond the flaws, beyond the faults, beyond the “issues” I was willing to do whatever for that person. It really is the first time in my life that I’ve ever experienced unconditional love and that still holds true. This type of love isn’t going to just go away. I’ve been trying to make it go away for almost two years. And there were certain times where I felt ok in the position I was in with him but after you assess the situation and realize that none of this is what he’s pictured or felt whatsoever, you have to have the strength to let go.
I also hope that I’ve never made him out to sound like a complete tool either because he’s not. I would have never fallen in love with a complete tool, apparently I just date them. He has great qualities and he’s taught me things. He’s helped with things but relationships of any kind whether they be friends or lovers always need to be treated as a blessing and never taken for granted. This doesn’t mean there’s no fighting because Oh My God, we fought a lot and I took that actually as a good thing because I’ve never cared to argue with anyone before, it means there’s something to fight for. Not to mention that the last argument we got into, he was so very caring the next day to ensure that he didn’t hurt me or my feelings and he explained himself. It’s was kind of a break though and beautiful but it just became more apparent that it was easier for him to take me for granted and to apologize later and make someone else feel great because I was a sucker. I’d always accept the apology or just be happy that he was breathing my air at that moment.
Oh course, these are also all my perceptions of things. I’m sure he’s got a different story, if he even thinks of us at all. I both hated and loved the fact that he always wanted to plan something in the future. We had a lot of future plans but like I said, unless there’s some sort of cosmic shift or miracle that’s going to happen our past can’t be erased, the hurt I feel can’t be erased and feeling used can’t be erased.
If I was to ask for a miracle it would be that we start fresh, with a clean slate, there’s no money between us and we are equal. I think only then can we be where we should be but because that is only my wish I will just go to bed and dream of a better day. Turns out, it does really help to write all this shit down… and he thinks I’m not crazy. He’s so wrong.