I feel absolutely horrible today. My eyes are puffy. I’m sad and I feel like I’ve made the decision to cut off a limb or something. Sounds ridiculous. I wanted desperately to stay curled up in my bed this morning but realized that the quicker I got out of my home and away from solitude the easier it would be to keep my mind off my decision. Well, that’s not working.
My mind is on work, then suddenly trails off to the absents of him and I feel like crying. I feel like any amount of happiness is far away from my reach right now. I have no appetite, no sense of calm and feel like total crap. This all sounds so insane to me and over-dramatic but it’s how I feel.
Someone on here asked me why I don’t just have a talk with him. In a strange way, I think if I brought any of this up to him it would make him feel horrible and I don’t want him to feel horrible. Is that a tricky twist of fate or what? Another person asked, “If it hurts so bad to let him go then why do it?” Just because something hurts doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. I saw a future with him in the back of my mind. I would dream of all this and it just became too painful to realize that this is no one close to where he’s at. He’s out there looking for the next quick fix that can keep his attention for a moment and when either they’re done with him or he’s done with them, he then remembers to come back.
Again though, he’s never made any attempt to ever be anything other than friends so the fact that I saw a future has nothing to do with his intent towards me. The problem that I had the most is that he did all the things that I wanted in a man, not all the things but the important things and having to realize that he’s my imperfect perfect match but we don’t have a future is gut wrenching. It’s like someone putting your favorite food right in front of you, two inches away from your nose but telling you, you’ll never be able to eat it.
I might be writing a lot until this is all out of my system because this is hard. I hate the idea of not having him in my life but it is true that you can’t be friends when one of you is in love with the other. I never wanted to be but here I sit, at work, wanting to cry. I haven’t eaten in days. Why does this feel so bad when I believe it’s the right decision?
As each passing hour of silence from him just secures my decision. My ex wasn’t made for me and I’ve made my final decision that I’d rather be alone than with someone that I can’t love fully. So, I’ll be single, maybe forever, maybe not but all I pray for now is that this pain goes away. It’s the worst I’ve ever felt in my life.