I had finally reached my breaking point yesterday. I just physically broke down. So, in an attempt to be a true friend, my GBF came over today with tissues in hand. I literally look as though someone has punch both my eyes. They are both swollen and red and I’ll need to come up with a great excuse as to why they look so bad for work tomorrow. But the GBF succeeded in pulling out all the information from the last couple of months. I think he was more shocked at the information rather than the intended resolution I’d come up with yesterday. He also had a completely different outcome in mind.
You see, my GBF has always been a huge advocate of “my friends” saying that he really does care and a lot of other BS that I always rolled my eyes at. So, even with the knowledge of my ex, my GBF is still on his side 100%. But these are the facts, as I see them. Has my friend lied to me? Yes, does it matter that I think that it’s because he doesn’t want to hurt me? Maybe. That’s such a huge thing to me, the lying. But aside from that I sat and thought about writing a “Dear John” letter today but knowing that he wouldn’t read it if I did. One thing you have to understand is that I’ve never had a friendship like this before. I’ve never questioned why a friend or a boyfriend has been by my side but his situation is so different.
Just to get it out of my system I’ll let you read the letter…
“I’m sorry but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t pretend to just be your friend. My feelings for you won’t go away so I need to not have you in my life because it hurts too much. I turned down a marriage proposal not that long ago because I knew I’d never feel about him the way that I feel about you.
You emotionally effect me more than anyone I’ve ever known and I think that you manipulate me because of my feelings. I think that you use me when no one else is around to keep your attention, and I think that you don’t care because you think I’ll always be around, as a last resort to your boredom. I deserve a better friend. I never expected you to love me back but I did expect respect, compassion and someone that I could count on. You said that “X” needs you more right now and that’s why you spend time with him and because I don’t need you at all. I did need you but you never wanted me to actually need you, that was too much responsibility for you.
I can’t get passed the disregard of monetary payback. It’s as if you’ve forgotten about the 520.00 for the application fees that you’ve never attempted to pay back. In this entire time we’ve been friends I’ve spent thousands on you and yes, you didn’t ask for a lot of it but things like the app fees and the tow haven’t even crossed your mind and then you choose to tell me of things you’ve bought your friends, outings, gifts and a new bike, all that became more important than paying back a favor or several. You told me of these gifts and outings without any regard to my feelings, as if you did it with malice.
You DO treat others better than me. You’re kinder, show more concern and you have this charming side with them that I’ve never seen from you. You take your anger out around me, you disregard my feelings and you drop me at a moments notice when someone else comes along. You acknowledge their existence in your life freely but I’m some sort of secret.
I prayed every night that nothing came about with your work stuff and I was fully prepared to help you out no matter what the cost until I realized that I can’t do this to myself anymore because you are not and have never been my responsibility. I have always treated you as someone in my life that you’ve never been. I treated you like a boyfriend when I was getting treated like a piece of trash in return. I deserve better from you.
This pains me to type this because I do love you so much and I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you accidentally have broken my heart over and over again and you’ll keep doing it because I let you. You have more than enough people, especially women, in your life that this won’t effect you at all. It might even take you a long time to notice that I’m gone. I will never be replaceable and one day I need you to acknowledge that I wasn’t. I need to be around friends that I’ve never questioned their love. I never knew that there was a point where you could love someone too much. Maybe I was loving you for the both of us.
If you choose to reply please do not do so in anger. This is not an angry message. it’s a painful one and anger does not help. This doesn’t take away the appreciation I have for the things that you have done, but I have just become aware of what you could have done, how you could have treated me and that others who’ve given you less have gotten more from you.”
And there you have it folks the most honest truth that I can give right now. It’s never been his fault that I could see a future with us, kids, a good life. I would never tell him that because he’s just too jaded to hear that. I’ve loved beyond words and have been hurt beyond comprehension. Short of a miracle this is actually it for us. I can’t keep putting myself in the position to have my heart broken over and over again.
I hope to feel better soon. Good Night.