My wandering thought process late on a Friday night…

I wouldn’t call it one of my favorite movies but every time Mystic River is on, I have to watch it. It’s a great movie but more than that I’ve always been drawn to the speech that Laura Linney gives toward the end of the movie: “Their daddy’s a king. And a king knows what to do and *does* it. Even when it’s hard. And their daddy will do whatever he has to for those he loves. And that’s all that matters. Because everyone is weak, Jimmy. Everyone but us. We will never be weak. And you, you could rule this town.” To have the kind of love that allows you to stand next to someone that’s done something wrong but for the right reasons is a true testament to love and loyalty and trust. It’s a brave thing.

Understandably, there are laws for a reason but there are, in my opinion, some things that are just unforgivable. If I had people to protect me as a child things might have turned out differently for me. There’s that protection again. I never realized just how much it’s something that I’ve lacked for so long in my life but something that I crave or need undeniably. But to not only be protected but to also protect someone else. To ensure that their life, regardless of their choices is protected from scrutiny, ridicule or harm is a powerful thing to posses. To be able to be in a couple that protects each other, I suppose that’s a goal of mine, to find someone that I’ll allow to protect me or that forces themselves as a protector and thus allowing me to do the same. What a powerful couple.

This reminds me of a year ago or so, my GBF (gay best friend) had invited me over for dinner and a movie. He’d just moved in to his apartment and it was the end of the evening. We’re standing outside when these gaggle of teenagers runs passed us almost knocking me over. A few seconds later we hear “pop, pop, pop”. I remember looking at my friend whose eyes were excruciatingly wide and saying, “Uh, those were gunshots”. The next thing I know he’s ran inside, turned off the lights and is hiding behind the window. I didn’t expect him to jump in front of me or anything but was a bit surprised that he was a bit more of a girly girl than I realized.

That’s another reason why my other friend and my friendship is so different. He’s a physical protector and this last dialog about men’s rolls just makes it so hard for me. I would say half the men I’ve dated were so self involved and the other half would start fights just to prove their manliness. If I could just take all the beautiful things out of my friend and put them all into one of the guys that wants to date me, this would be the perfect relationship. Just saying. Eventually I’m going to have to realize that I might never get all of that in someone else… That makes me sad. The effed up thing is, he doesn’t even know how awesome he is. Maybe he does and he’s just holding out for some rich princess or something who the hell knows. As they said in the movies, “I wish I could quit you!”.

I’m in a mood to watch black and white movies this weekend, maybe it’s the rain or something I’m not sure but this better be a stress-free few days. Enjoy your weekend, the pic below seems perfect but I will not be doing that. It’s nice to dream though.


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