In case of emergency call… no one.

Do you think it’s possible to feel someone else’s emotional pain physically or is it possible that it’s just karma? I had four plans for tonight. The first was a “hey you wanna see a movie” last weekend from my friend. I’d thought he would forget so I didn’t put much stock in that. Second, a friend was flying in town to see his mother’s who’s in the hospital. Third was a club with a friend of mine that is about to get a divorce and lastly, I promised myself that if all my plans fell through that I’d actually go see my ex and hear him out. I’d been avoiding him for a while now so it was my last resort card to plan depending on the evening.

So, my friend didn’t forget but I’d fallen asleep after we’d made plans and had a dream that he texted me a cancellation while he was at some woman’s home because he just didn’t want to leave her. When I woke up, he’d canceled. My friend, who was flying in, was delayed due to weather so he’d decided to just come in Monday. And the third guy… well, by the time I was ready to go out he called and was really drunk. He gets way too aggressive when he’s drunk so there was no way I was going to see him especially being drunk and depressed. So that left the ex. I asked what he was doing and he’d texted me that he’s “been fucked in the head” and wrote me a letter. He’d asked if I would come over and he could read it. Sure… I guess I was meant to.

I got to his house and he got in the car before I could gather my things and he asked if we could just drive around. For an hour, we drove around and he read his letter and he cried and I just sat there, like a frozen plant. Not speaking or even moving aside from lighting a cigarette with my tremendously shaking hand. The letter was raw. The letter was painful. I didn’t know what to say. Truth is, I actually don’t even know how I feel.

This is my problem. I have the friend, who’s plainly stated that we’ll never be more than just friends so based on his words I’ve never waited around for him. But the problem is no matter who else I’m with I’ll always know that I won’t feel the same about them. I’ll never feel as comfortable, as safe or be as content and happy as when I’m with my friend. But maybe the solution isn’t that I stop seeing my ex. Maybe the solution is that I stop seeing my friend. Typing that, I cry… WTF… My ex just poured out his heart to me and nothing happens but I suggest to myself that I stop seeing my friend and I cry like an idiot. But the truth is, maybe it is the best answer for me now.

My friend says that he has two “close friends” that he spends most of his time with, me and this other guy. I’d made a joke that he liked his other friend more because he spent more time with him. He paused and said “He needs me more right now. You don’t need me at all.” And of course, being the independent person that I mumbled (under my breath) “Nope, nope I don’t”. That was a lie but I feel that I need him for the reason that I shouldn’t or maybe it doesn’t matter why you need someone. I do need him in my life but maybe I need to learn to not need him because it all hurts. He’s kept me sane, in check and he makes me feel needed too, although sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.

Regardless of all that, I dropped the ex off. I told him that I’d think about what he had to say and I would reply with a letter. I’ve always felt that its rude to not acknowledge someone’s heart felt confessions so I will response. I told him that I needed time to sort things out and asked that he just give me till the end of September to respond. He’s got friends in town till then so I know they’ll look after him.

If I decided to do this with him we’ll be living together very soon after. I’ll not see my friend that much at all (not that we actually spend a great deal of time together now) and I’ll have to come to terms that I will probably never feel the same way about another human than I do my friend and I’ll have to be ok with that. I’ll have to think as though he never came back into my life. Would I want to be in a relationship with my ex at that point? Is he what I would be looking for if the friend wasn’t in my life?

After I dropped  him off, I stopped at a friends house. She has “the good stuff”. I needed something to calm down, to stop my tears from coming up and to put me into a coma until Tuesday morning. I also needed something for the worse cramps of my life. Random fact, sex is good for those but since I don’t have a bottle of that lying around the house I was choosing my next best option. She came through with a tiny brown bag and sent me on my way. When I finally got home, double over in pain with tears streaming down my face from everything I realized she’s put enough pills in here to kill a horse, that might be dangerous right now because I just want to be numb and forget everything, actually I don’t.

This leads me to my tag line “In case of emergency” who’s on your list? I’m going through a lot right now and I don’t have anyone to talk to about it and that’s not good but it’s also my own fault. My best friend is listed as my emergency contact on most things but that’s a bit silly since she’s not near me. My problem here is that my friend is the first person I think of when I’m sad, or in need of help or bored but I don’t want to be a bother so I don’t ask for help. If he ever said that he needed me to need him for something then I might just be honest and tell him that I truly do.

So now I’m sitting here, in need of talking to someone or just don’t feel like being alone and I won’t reach out and no one can read my mind and I have a bag of pills and my phones about to die and I have tears down my face, unbelievable pain and all I can think about is where’s my savior? Where’s my emergency contact? Who’s my emergency contact?

Tonight is not a great night. I hope your weekend is much better than mine. I should just go sleep now. Good Night.


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