Yesterday, before going to dinner with friends, I’d decided that it was way past time to get my oil changed. I went to my usual car place, walked inside and was welcomed with a few expletive words, which I, in turn, threw back at them. It’s all in jest. I’ve been going there for years. There’s one mechanic that works there that’s probably been there since they opened but he’s always had this little “crush” on me. After a few minutes of us debating and betting on when I got my tires he asked me to come chat with him in the back, while he worked on my car. So, I’m listening and he’s telling me about his day and I’m acknowledging that I’m listening but my mind was wondering everywhere. I felt bad that I couldn’t be in the moment with him right then. He obviously just needed someone to listen to him.
That’s a problem lately, my mind, it’s been getting lost. I used to be able to reign it in a bit but now I feel more like a space cadet than ever. The worst is when I’m driving. This task is so mundane that I find myself floating away. I actually got to my destination the other day and couldn’t remember making one single turn. It’s not good and I know that. When I’m at home, alone, it’s fine but it seems to happen more and more around others. A while ago, my friend caught me in one of my oblivion stares and he looked so intrigued when he asked me “Where do you go?”. It’s weird but I remember that night, his face and what he was wearing when he said that. It was something that no one had either noticed before or just never commented on. I shook myself back to reality and just ignored the question but was always fascinated by his choice of words.
He still has the ability to fascinate me with his words and actions. I’ve never gotten bored of him which is a huge thing for me to say. He thinks I don’t listen but I hear every word, and every tone and every emotion that is used, said or conveyed. Why the fuck does he do this to me? In thirty plus years I’ve never been as fascinated by another human before. Sometimes it’s the little things. I notice that whatever he’s eating, he always leave the last piece for me. I know that he’s got a pattern when he comes over. It’s always, stuff down, let out a deep breath, walk to the kitchen, pop open a Perrier, plug in phone, use the bathroom. Somewhere in there I’m sure there’s a hello or hi but a little hug would be nice every once in a while. And yet another thing that fascinates me is his laugh. I think he’s compared it to a donkey or something before but I love it. If somethings not that funny but he genuinely laughs at it, it makes me happy. Gross, why does he make me into such a girly-girl. Punishments from the universe I tell ya! Wanting what you can’t have. 😦
My few friends that knew about “us” hanging out think that we don’t see each other anymore. I’ve stopped talking about all of it, except on here. I thought it would be easier if I didn’t have the conversations that ended with scenarios that all of them see happening about us. I thought it would be easier to stop complaining especially when I finally realized why he pisses me off the way he does. I think I thought that if people knew the truth, that after all he and I have been through that I still can’t stop loving him, I think I thought they’d think I was crazy.
A long time ago, a friend of mine had broken up with her first real boyfriend and she was devastated. She was quite a bit younger than me and everything was so fresh and new to her. I decided to do a very strange thing. There was a group of us sitting around my living room, as my parents were away like usual. The game was this… We all had to give this girl a eulogy. I’m aware that this sounds morbid but the idea was for her to hear all the amazing things that people thought about her while she was still breathing and yes, we were probably on some kind of drug or drunk at the time but the onslaught of emotions came through in the act of each of us standing on a glass coffee table, staring down at her and telling her all these amazing things about herself. She brings that us to this day and says that when she’s down she thinks of all those things that we all had to say.
What if we did that? What if we just tell people all the good stuff as we think of it and not hold it all in until it’s too late? What if we said eff this and throw caution to the wind? Would people stop believing all the good things after a while? Is it better in small doses?
My mind is running everywhere tonight and I was hoping that writing some of it down here would help me sleep better. Is it bad that I want to call my ex so that there’s a warm body next to me? But I won’t because that would be mean.
Hope you’re having a great week. Thank goodness it’s Friday tomorrow! One sweat class after work then it’s home to sleep for three days, or something like that. Good Night!