This post started out as something completely different but I’d fallen asleep and had this very strange dream. Let me back up a few weeks. My friend that I spoke of yesterday, hates that I smoke. I’ve never really cared before to quiet. I assumed I would one day but never really thought about when. I quit twice for him or because of him, either way. My perception of why he wanted me to quit was because I “assumed” he thought it just smelled horrible, which it does. Although he’d say it’s because it’s unhealthy, the case for that being the main reason just lacked it’s luster.
I had met his best friend who’d quit smoking using a prescription drug, so I assumed it couldn’t hurt right? I’d asked the doctor for a script and said what the hell. Well, here are the side effects so far, my dreams are more insane than ever featuring weddings, babies, family and conjuring up all kinds of weirdness. Next, my appetite is gone. I’ve never really had much of one but now, there’s nothing there which isn’t really great since I’m working out a lot. I’m aware I need nourishment but find no desire to eat a thing. Regardless of all that, I will quit and some of it is because he wants me to and some of it is because it’s gross.
It’s hard for me to take advice or let someone try to “take care of me”. It’s not something I know or am used to. I was a pretty self-sufficient kid and have never really let anyone help me out and I’m not sure I even know how to ask. Guys have come and gone in my life and I’ve always pushed their help aside. If my car broke down, I’d rather walk somewhere than to ask someone for a lift. Maybe I feel it’s too much of an imposition or maybe I just don’t feel like I can trust anyone.
I don’t know yet but what I do know is that continuing on my “When words fail me” post from yesterday, there are distinct words that I’ve been repeating in my head from spending time with my friend. I don’t analyze anyone else in my life. I usually just see how they are and say my piece and move on without a second thought. So this is my perception of the conversation yesterday…
We’d gotten into an argument about the state I live in, not literally the state but the condition. Over the years I’ve had people tell me that I need to move but out of pure laziness or disinterest I’ve stayed in a dusty, broken apartment that smells like shit because it’s been flooded ten times. My boss is one thats always been up my ass about moving, my ex that I work with also but my response was always, “Ok, eff off”. Truth is, I’ve got a lot of shit (not hording level) but it’s a pain in the ass to move and I’m 3 miles from work which allows me to sleep later.
Anyway, I’m off topic. So he gets very passionate about things and either yells or conveys this frustration out with a bitter tone that I’m not used to. I’m British, we have fancy rugs to sweep all the emotional baggage under. I’ve been raised in a home where you don’t talk about your feelings, you don’t show your emotions. He was raised quite the opposite. Neither one of us is wrong nor right. My favorite word to use with us is compromise. Somewhere in between his passionate side and my frozen side is a warm place that maybe we’ll end up one day but until then I have to say that I appreciate how he handled it the next day but he apologized for something that I didn’t expect. He’d said that he didn’t want me to be upset and he hated that he was the reason why I was upset but beyond that he’d said, “Men should be protectors”.
Ok, first, I just typed that line and cried through the clicking on my keyboard because, yes, he is absolutely correct that men SHOULD be protectors and I’ve not had a lot of those or I’ve never let anyone do that. From a young age bad shit happened to me and it was done by men. I never felt safe, until him.
You see, the thing that has always drawn me to him is the safety I feel when he’s around. He looked so hurt by his actions the next morning and almost scared when he was explaining himself and what I wanted to say was, “Are you effing kidding me? You don’t think that I see you as a protector? We have no boundaries. When you’re with me I have no space that you don’t consume. You are the one person that I can, do and maybe ever will accept as a protector. I have given you everything because you’ve given me the ONE thing that no one else has ever been able to do or that I ever wanted to accept and that’s comfort, safety and someone that I value more than most.” But of course, I said none of this. I knew that if I really started to say anything I’d probably start to cry again and I didn’t want him to feel worse.
I AM NOT an easy person. My emotional baggage has a room all on it’s own. I hide my crazy but it’s there. I keep quiet and still and don’t act on my emotions because I can’t stand the idea that it’ll scare him off. I say nothing. I do nothing. But secretly, I listen to everything. I absorb all that he puts out in the universe for me to take. I take his words, actions and self at face value and I lock the crazy in the room with the baggage and just follow his lead. I’m not this girl except with him. I’d never change for anyone but I would better myself and let someone else reap the rewards but never change.
This world, this road, this trip has all lead me to here. I’m still comforted when I look around tonight and see his care around the home. My perception of him changes a lot, mostly for the better. No matter where he’s at in his life I don’t look at him as anything less that amazing. I think I knew that a month into our friendship. He’s very self deprecating. I hear him say words that I hate he used about himself. If I let him be my protector when we’re together, why can’t I help him love himself as much as I love him. Doesn’t seem quite fair to me.
I think I’m officially done analyzing everything now. Remember, as much as I can get it out on here, the less crazy I appear in public. And for my pic of the day… I’m aware I am not his Queen nor he my King but I just like the image and the message. Hope you’re having a great week. Good night.