Having, yet another, strange day but this one is laced with thoughts of missing someone. I was doing all fine and shit and then I noticed something this morning. I’ve said before but I am very astute when it comes to others but with my own life, I am completely clueless. I won’t go into what it was but it was something from the “friend rearranging day” that I’d totally missed until this morning and I realized the intricate details that went into that day for him and it made me miss him even more.
I don’t miss people. I mean, I do but I don’t miss guys. I’m usually, “Ok, well great time. Thanks. See you when I see you…” And because he has people A.D.D. I should do that with him as well but I don’t. I get upset, then angry, then I’m all stupid girl missing him and shit. Blah, HE makes me crazy.
Whatever, this is stupid but after decided what I was going to write about I stupidly googled “missing someone” to find the perfect pic and it’s all a bunch of Nicholas Sparks crap. I don’t want to be that girl who’s all “if you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they’re supposed to be there” or “Missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you you love them”. Blah! My favorite so far was this one, “I fucking miss you. asshole.” Now, that’s more like it. That’s something I would say probably to most people but I’m not sure I’d say that to him. He doesn’t act like it but he’s very sensitive and yet jaded just as much.
Another one that stuck out is “my worst enemy is my memory”. This actually helps and hurts us. I start to try to think of all the shitty things. The long “breaks” that he takes. The words he uses. The differences between how other “close friends” treat me and how he did. But then I think about the few things he’s done that are great and it kicks all the other crap out. I don’t understand all this or why him or any of it. On a good day, I feel like on his worst day, I’d still be right by his side but then have to realize that while I’d be doing that he’d be off by someone else’s side that he DOES actually respect and love or at least shows that he does.
As long as I fear that he takes me for granted most of the time it’s best that he continue to stay away, it’s obviously not that difficult for him to do anyway so if he doesn’t care then he needs to just do what he’s doing right now. Just when I think I’m better and my head is in control, it’s my heart and my dreams and my thoughts that seem to betray me. I’m being betrayed by my own self. How effed up is that? I want to not care. I want to be this cold, careless shit that most guys think that I am because that’s how I am with them but I just can’t do that with him. I want to love him, care for him and just be there… I’m a total contradiction.
I obviously lied before. I don’t regret seeing him again. I don’t regret any of this, even when I feel at my worst because some of my best feelings have come about because of him. There’s nothing epic here. There’s no Nicholas Sparks moment that I’m waiting for. I am not delusional. I’m well aware of my place in all this. It doesn’t mean that I can’t think this is all fucked up none-the-less.
This whole thing reminds me of the monologue at the end of Devils Advocate, where Al Pacino is sprouting off this…
My head and heart have been in opposition for quite sometime now. It’s unfair and unclear how long this will last. I’m not a stupid girl by any means. But when in comes to “us” I am dealing with emotions on an elementary level. No matter how low he goes, what he does or how long he stays away there’s no change. I have tried my damnedest to ignore, or erase or lesson this on my self but nothing works… The last step to all of this is a lobotomy. I’m considering this, seriously.
I don’t even sit around and wait for some earth shattering declaration of anything. I don’t expect a thing, however, I did expect this all to fade one day. There’s a lesson in here somewhere right? Unless my life is really for God’s gag reel. That really would be sad if that’s true.
I’m off to visit the rest of my strange week which I didn’t even get to tell you about. No one would believe half the shit that happens to me… Good Night.