The misinterpretations of missing someone…

Having, yet another, strange day but this one is laced with thoughts of missing someone. I was doing all fine and shit and then I noticed something this morning. I’ve said before but I am very astute when it comes to others but with my own life, I am completely clueless. I won’t go into what it was but it was something from the “friend rearranging day” that I’d totally missed until this morning and I realized the intricate details that went into that day for him and it made me miss him even more.

I don’t miss people. I mean, I do but I don’t miss guys. I’m usually, “Ok, well great time. Thanks. See you when I see you…” And because he has people A.D.D. I should do that with him as well but I don’t. I get upset, then angry, then I’m all stupid girl missing him and shit. Blah, HE makes me crazy.

Whatever, this is stupid but after decided what I was going to write about I stupidly googled “missing someone” to find the perfect pic and it’s all a bunch of Nicholas Sparks crap. I don’t want to be that girl who’s all “if you can’t get someone out of your head, maybe they’re supposed to be there” or “Missing someone is your hearts way of reminding you you love them”. Blah! My favorite so far was this one, “I fucking miss you. asshole.” Now, that’s more like it. That’s something I would say probably to most people but I’m not sure I’d say that to him. He doesn’t act like it but he’s very sensitive and yet jaded just as much.

Another one that stuck out is “my worst enemy is my memory”. This actually helps and hurts us. I start to try to think of all the shitty things. The long “breaks” that he takes. The words he uses. The differences between how other “close friends” treat me and how he did. But then I think about the few things he’s done that are great and it kicks all the other crap out. I don’t understand all this or why him or any of it. On a good day, I feel like on his worst day, I’d still be right by his side but then have to realize that while I’d be doing that he’d be off by someone else’s side that he DOES actually respect and love or at least shows that he does.

As long as I fear that he takes me for granted most of the time it’s best that he continue to stay away, it’s obviously not that difficult for him to do anyway so if he doesn’t care then he needs to just do what he’s doing right now. Just when I think I’m better and my head is in control, it’s my heart and my dreams and my thoughts that seem to betray me. I’m being betrayed by my own self. How effed up is that? I want to not care. I want to be this cold, careless shit that most guys think that I am because that’s how I am with them but I just can’t do that with him. I want to love him, care for him and just be there… I’m a total contradiction.

I obviously lied before. I don’t regret seeing him again. I don’t regret any of this, even when I feel at my worst because some of my best feelings have come about because of him. There’s nothing epic here. There’s no Nicholas Sparks moment that I’m waiting for. I am not delusional. I’m well aware of my place in all this. It doesn’t mean that I can’t think this is all fucked up none-the-less.

This whole thing reminds me of the monologue at the end of Devils Advocate, where Al Pacino is sprouting off this…

Al Pacino Devils Advocate

My head and heart have been in opposition for quite sometime now. It’s unfair and unclear how long this will last. I’m not a stupid girl by any means. But when in comes to “us” I am dealing with emotions on an elementary level. No matter how low he goes, what he does or how long he stays away there’s no change. I have tried my damnedest to ignore, or erase or lesson this on my self but nothing works… The last step to all of this is a lobotomy. I’m considering this, seriously.

I don’t even sit around and wait for some earth shattering declaration of anything. I don’t expect a thing, however, I did expect this all to fade one day. There’s a lesson in here somewhere right? Unless my life is really for God’s gag reel. That really would be sad if that’s true.

I’m off to visit the rest of my strange week which I didn’t even get to tell you about. No one would believe half the shit that happens to me… Good Night.

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Feeling like a drunk monkey without the alcohol…

I’m sitting here and my A.D.D. has kicked into high speed. I’ve got the TV on, watching some crap I’m sure I’ve seen before, with my iPad in my lap doing stuff on there, my iPhone next to me replying to people in between phone conversations and typing my post for tonight. I guess you could say I’m trying to keep my mind busy.

I’ve had a weird week. I sit here, alone (yet not lonely) mid-week and the most exciting part of my week is after my workouts, after my dinners out, after parties, to just put on my Flashdance shirt and relax completely soberingly sober. I thought about having a glass of wine but decided against it. I’m not one to drink alone. Part of my weird week is because I’ve been asked out three times this week by all different guys and I have absolutely no interest in any of them. I’m so over this dating crap.

I’m much more interested in my workout challenge that’s going pretty well so far. What I have learned though is that I have the balance of a drunk monkey. I’d love to be someone who’s awesome at yoga but the truth is, I have no effing balance what-so-ever. I honestly don’t know how I became a cheerleader or how I was ever in dance. Somewhere along the way my equilibrium has gotten twisted or something. So, I’m doing these challenges and thanking the man upstairs that I’m doing them alone because otherwise I’d look like an idiot to any other human. I’m slightly embarrassed for myself. BUT I’m trying which is what they’re all about.

The challenge consists of 2 miles a day and it’s been three days but I’ve already almost done ten miles. I’m excited about that and the fact that I’ve still had a social life the whole time too. In years past, I’ve worked so late that it’s either a workout day or a go eff off day but never both. Now, I’ve decided that I’m not working for the man past five o’clock anymore. In fact, as of 5:01 it’s my time! By then there’s a me shaped hole in the front door cause I can’t leave fast enough. Then I’ve been coming home, changing, working out, then going out. Granted it’s only been three days but I’m happy about it so far.

My family has been really up my ass about going to visit them. They’re only 2/3 hours away but oh I hate that drive, especially alone. It’s so boring and by the time I leave work I’m so not in the mood for that but I do know that’s something I need to do sooner than later. I’d gotten tickets to the ACL festival there but that didn’t work out as planned 😦 so I’m going to have to sell them or find someone that can take off three days. There’s some really great bands there too and of course I miss my little niece. She’s such a tiny adult it’s so weird. I really should get or have one of those little tiny adults soon or a puppy. I’d much rather have a kid though.

I’m in a bit of a weird mood tonight as you can tell. My mind is everywhere and I have to keep checking to see if there’s a full moon out. Somethings happening up there in the stars. That’s all I do know. I’m not sure if it’s for the good or bad but somethings brewing. It’s it too late to think about taking my Friday afternoon nap? I feel like my thoughts are exhausting me right now. They’re jumping from one thing to another, from one person to another. I am obviously feeling much better after last weekend and the shitty shit I had to deal with. Still not quite 100 percent but getting there or as close to it as I’ve ever been. I’m pretty sure my sleeping pill is no where close to kicking in and even though it’s almost 11:00 I have a strange desire to go take a walk outside. Probably not the best idea but I seem to have some residual energy that needs to find it’s way out of me soon.

I’m still not entirely sure that I’m not bipolar or a bit crazy. I really am all over the place right now, like I’ve had too much coffee but I know that’s not it. Hell, I have no idea. I am just happy I’m not crying or in pain in this very moment. I am feeling quirky though. We’ll see where this mood leads me tonight… Good night 🙂

This will probably be one of those posts I read later and think “WTF!”. I promise you though I’m mind numbingly sober right now. Maybe I shouldn’t be. Maybe I’m just trying to keep my mind of other things or people.

drunk monkey

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The resolution of sin…

The other day I’d said I wished that I’d never stolen a pack of thumb tacks for my neighbor when I was young. I meant that. Its sounds strange but there’s few things that I actually, truly consider going back and changing. But obviously you can’t so you have to make amends for the sins you commit.

A few years ago, one of my employees (who’s extremely religious) and I were speaking about the bible and religion and spirituality. He actually speaks at a Spanish sermon each Wednesday and Sunday night. He understand that my beliefs are not fully on the path of his beliefs but he knows that I try to follow as much of the ten commandments as I possibly can, hence the forgiving of the stealing.

So, lets take a look at these…

You shall have no other gods before Me.
You shall not make idols.
You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.
Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Honor your father and your mother.
You shall not murder.
You shall not commit adultery.
You shall not steal.
You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor.
You shall not covet.

You shall have no other Gods before Me: I do believe in God and one God alone but I also believe that there’s so much more than the bible. Have you ever read any of the other books? I’ve had deep discussions with my boss who’s Muslim and he’s taught me a lot about his beliefs. I am so intrigued by each and every cultures, their believes and their spirituality and I find it selfish to discount everything else just because it doesn’t fit into this package that’s been drawn up years before us.

You shall not make idols: This to me is a lot like the answer above.

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain: While I am guilty of this I don’t do it any longer. I did it much more as a teenager before I really knew what disrespect that brought out. Even now, if by accident, when I do say something that’s close I feel the guilt.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy: I’m not so good at this. I have been to church a lot more than any of my family and I used to go twice a week when my Grandmother was still alive. I’m not even sure where my spiritual home would be anymore. I have no direct designation as far as faith is concerned but love to learn any and all of the traditions, scripture and beliefs.

Honor your father and your mother: If by honoring them they mean respecting them, this is absolutely something that I need to work on. There’s a lot of my childhood which can be blamed on my parents but at some point you have to forgive and move on. It’s been years. I’m sure that I’ve moved on but there’s still residual blame that probably needs to be worked on. I will need help with that one day.

You shall not murder: Well, this one, I’ve lived up to (so far). Unless someone hurts a friend or a family member I think I’m safe here.

You shall not commit adultery: Again, I have lived up to this one as well. I’ve never cheater on nor been cheated on. I feel secure that this will never change. Nothing is worth ruining someone else’s happiness for an hour of sin.

You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor: Let’s all be honest with ourselves. We’ve all lied. Especially when you have a job that sometimes relies on it. Sad but true, however, I do not lie to those closest to me. Whether you consider holding the truth back as the same thing, I do not. Not only do I not lie to those closest to me but this is one of my biggest pet peeves.

You shall not covet: In this day and age I can understand why this one might be one of the hardest ones. There might always be something better out there but eventually you have to realize that what you might think is better isn’t especially if it’s some tangible item.

No one is perfect which is why we are all sinners. It’s easy to say someone’s a good person because they go to church but in truth, if they’re just going to appease someone or inflict some sort of idea as to what they of person they want to be seen as then it just defeats the purpose. I would rather kneel quietly beside my bed and speak to God and thank him, ask for forgiveness and pray to all those that I care about rather than walk into a church that seems to no longer be a “not for profit” establishment.

I understand that we are all angels and devils within our time on this earth. I understand that, as humans, we are all flawed. I also understand that spirituality and the relationship YOU have with God is what is important and if it doesn’t quite fit into some check box then that’s ok too. This doesn’t mean that i won’t find myself back at some denominational church on day confessing all my sins. It just means that for the time being this is what works for me…

What do you believe? What do you pray for? Who do you pray for? How many of those ten commandments above can you check off?

Just my thoughts tonight after a long day and some great conversations about spirituality. Good Night.

Angel devil

Better days, for no reason at all…

Good morning. Yesterday started the “fit for fall” challenge which is also a challenge for charity. Basically you have to commit to a minimum of 2 miles a day or 100 miles in an eight week period plus do these other mini daily challenges. It’s the one thing I’m looking forward to lately for no other reason that it gives me something productive to do.

Yesterday I started off with a 2.73 mile walk/jog, healthy eating all day and ended with an ad/arm challenge. This was actually really fun. When I really get into these I usually walk/jog about 3/4 miles at a time so I might up the challenge to the 150 miles in 8 weeks. Either way I’m excited and even though the prescription drug messed me up, I was still able to lose 12 lbs on it. Probably not the healthiest way but still. If you’re interested it’s all over the insta-face-twit world, which I’ve started all new accounts for, except the facebook. Have I mentioned that I HATE facebook?

Anyway, go look up @toneitup #tiuteam #charitychallenge #100forcharity. It’s a great cause where, for each mile you walk, run, bike or whatever you can actually have money earned and sent to a charity of your choice using the app Charity Miles. Don’t worry, I’m not making any money off any of that but I do think that it’s a great cause so you should do it, especially if you’re active anyway… What’s the harm.

That is what I’ll be focused on for the next 8 weeks. Hopefully it will become less of a distraction than just a drive to fulfill my need for a healthier me. I say to hell with the negative and shitty. At least for a while. I think I’ll try to add some things to that 8 week challenge list like, be grateful everyday, read everyday, go to church, become a superhero… I don’t know just something fun.

I do need a new workout playlist though so any suggestions on so high energy, pumped up workout music is much appreciated.

Hope you are having an awesome day. 🙂 Be grateful for something unexpected today.

Being-Grateful

Actually happy it’s Monday…

Good morning. I’m actually happy that it’s Monday today. I had the worst weekend. Apparently, the “quit smoking” pill that I started taking less than a month ago, wasn’t made for me and I had the worst reaction to it ever. I ended up in the ER Friday night. Yep, that’s how my weekend went. So I guess my dream of turning my phone off all weekend and not doing anything actually came to fruition, by accident.

By the time I actually turned my phone on Sunday night it blew up with texts and voicemails. Some were pissed that I wasn’t responding and some were just used to it. Either way, the weekend was bad. The Dr ended up giving me some crap that pretty much knocked me out all weekend so I was pretty out of it. All in all, that part wasn’t so bad.

I’d actually thought about calling my friend for his help but since he’s been busy I didn’t want to disturb him. He’s got his own life to lead and right now, that doesn’t include me so I need to not have mine include him I suppose although I do miss him.

In a funny twist of fate, part of the reason that I’ve been so mad at him is because of money and it has seemed like that’s all this friendship was to him. I get that’s not completely true and found it funny that I saw a message on pinterest or a quote that said “Never expect a loan to a friend to be paid back if you want to keep that friend.” The funny part here was that this has shown up somehow in my life for a while now, without looking for it. I do believe that this is true now. I still have other issues but if I want to keep him in my life then I need to just come to terms that this is how it will be and I think that I have.

I love him. That’s obviously never going to change. I care for him. I have never forgotten or disregarded him since we’ve been friends again and I’ve never spoken unkind of him to others. I do think he’s a great person, an amazing person and I don’t think that will ever change either. I do, however, have an issue with his forgetfulness of others when new people come into his life. I think that’s shitty and not something that I do. But to be accepting of someone you have to be accepting of everything, flaws and faults as well as all the good stuff.

Bottom line is this, with all my time to think this weekend without outside distractions, I know that I want him as a friend in my life. Period. No matter how many times some asshole tries to tell me what a bad person he is on facebook, no matter what the cost, I will always want to make sure he’s ok.

I’ve said this before but no one else’s view or opinion of his has ever changed my opinion of him, it’s just always brought out the insecurities in me, which I’ve never really had to deal with before. This whole friendship has been very therapeutic for me. I guess that’s a good thing. I don’t even know anymore.

So, from this point on, it’s actually no longer my responsibility to figure out if he “should” be in my life or not. It is now up to him to figure out if I “should” be in his which makes things a lot easier since he doesn’t know all of my crazy rambling thoughts over the last few weeks. But I can tell by his silence that he’s busy with something or someone. If that’s the way this goes then I’ll be ok with it because I have to be. As I said before, I still want him in my life and that’s never going to change.

Obviously, I’m feeling a lot better than I have been. I hope this continues… I’m choosing to look at the flower below and not the gloom behind it.

Better day

It’s finally Friday…

I know you’re supposed to make every day great and not wait for a day, a time or a special occasion but I really like Fridays. I had a good sleep, nice dreams and wasn’t late to work. Yay me!

It really does seem to help after I write shit out on here. I really do feel a lot better. This is my best therapy ever and I don’t have to feel guilty or bad for saying anything I’d regret later because no one really knows. So after last nights early ramblings I worked out, actually ate something and had some good phone conversations, finally finishing the night off with crap TV.

I no longer have the desire to stay in bed all weekend either. I don’t actually know what I want to do but it won’t involve over-thinking or tears. That’s all I know right now. I have this strange need to drive around at lunch with no destination. I do like to do that and it gets me out of the office which is nice.

Hmmm, what sounds good this weekend? Something different! Something different always sounds good to me. I dislike routine but sometimes it’s the only way I get anything done. I don’t expect much from the weekend though and I have no expectations so as not to be disappointed. Maybe I’ll actually go out with some old friends that I’ve been promising to see forever now. But turning my phone off still sounds really nice.

I am really rambling now because my mood doesn’t suck which is a welcome change lately. I’m trying to live in the moment. Be happy in the moment. It’s a new thing I’m trying 🙂 it’s not really as if I like being in a sad and shitty mood all the time, trust me.

I’ve been listening to “The Mixtape” radio station on iTunes and am loving the music they’re playing. It’s like a really nice mix of John Hughes movies music and other 80’s awesomeness…

That’s my randomness before I leave for lunch. Hope you’re all having a great Friday 🙂 Here’s to a happy weekend?!

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Each passing day…

With each passing day of silence, I’m remind as to why I’m done. It’s better to hurt now than later. Get over with the pain like ripping a band-aide off. I’ve been trying to rip this band-aide off for a while now but I’m a masochist. Apparently, I like the pain. I’d felt so numb for so long this was all a shock to the system.

I assume he’s found my worth in someone else, something else or has just become better without it. One day, hopefully, he’ll understand my worth wasn’t in dollars, pills or presents. I’ll still get sad. There’s too much that will remind me of him. What a nice final gift for him to know that the only thing I needed or loved was him without any extras and in his current state. I wish the feelings were returned.

He was never discarded for another. He was never used for sport. He was never ignored or meant to feel anything less than important. Again, I wish all of that was returned. I’m much less angry now but sometimes I wonder just how many addresses he actually has? Just how many of those housed his heart?

I fucking hate this hole that’s left. Time may mean nothing to him but it means a great deal to me. He said I never needed him? Well, fuck him because he never asked. He didn’t want me to need him anyway… Too much responsibility. All I wanted from him was some fucking real emotions. Something aside from anger. This was never shit to him anyway, just a waste of time and space.

So what! He did so many things that I loved in my perfect man, except the one thing that I needed and that was to love back just a little bit. Okay, so I’m a bit mad still. I’m sick of thinking about him when I’m not even a passing thought. I’m sick of dreaming about him when I’m not even a supporting role in his dreams. I’m sick of giving a shit… When does all this fucking shit go away?

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… and that’s how I’m feeling right now. Luckily, this is before my workout so maybe I’ll get some of this anger out. I pray every single night for all the people that I love, for Him to watch over them and I always ask him to prove to me that my friend is supposed to be in my life. So far, he’s made his point very clear this week. I’ve been told that when you pray, not getting an answer isn’t the same as getting one but what do I know about this stuff?

I honestly have no idea anymore why this matters. I should treat this like he does, without a thought in the world. Maybe that’s what I’ll pray for. “Dear God, please make me see this friendship as importantly as he does.” Maybe then I’ll never think about him or care anymore. It really feels like I saved up all my emotions from all my years and shoved them into this… whatever it was.

There is seriously so much more than this going on in my life right now. I can’t take this much longer. I’m going undercover this weekend… Literally, I’m going to get under the covers after work and not come up for air ever… Okay, maybe that’s not how my weekend will go. I’ll try to meditate and each time I think about him I’ll pinch myself. I have a feeling I’ll be black and blue by the time the weekends over.

Call me a broken record all you want but this is getting ridiculous. How is it possible to be so angry, upset, sad and used from one person and yet still feel the love you have for them. Being a fucking chick sucks sometimes. I just want to KNOW WHY!!!!! Why him? Why now? Why this hard? Why can’t it be easy? When will it stop hurting?

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