The Fear of Fate…

I think I woke in a cold sweat last night. I had the most vivid dream of what fate is supposed to have in store for me, being told over and over again by so many people. It’s difficult to realize that the fate predicted stretches thinner by each passing day. That fate, I would have been comfortable with. I would have seized that opportunity. I’m not sure why either. It’s never been the most logical nor has it been the most reliable but the outcome, for both of us, was supposed to bring so much good luck, comfort and an equal understanding and acceptance of each of our flaws.

This whole train of thought comes from a busy Friday and Saturday. A friend and old coworker had gotten engaged and I’d gone over to celebrate Saturday night after a dinner with friends. He is so happy. It’s as if he can finally relax because he’s found someone to partner with. His realization came about when he knew that he was just comfortable and she made his life better. She protected him and he felt safe with her. That’s when he knew that she was the one. The comfort and safety.

I have to admit, I’m a bit jealous. I thought, while I was there with them, “This could be me right now.” If I’d just have said ‘yes’ to my ex not that long ago. I’d be engaged right now. Except, I wouldn’t have been grinning from ear to ear, like they were. I didn’t feel safe nor did I feel comfortable with him. I like having his or a warm body next to me at night. I liked that part too much and because of it, it has me contemplating saying yes, again. I know it’s not right because it’s not for the right reasons but I’m tired of waiting for something else to happen.

I am in need of a partner in crime, someone who loves to have morning sex, someone who cooks while I clean or vice versa. I’m looking for someone who can be a lover and a best friend, someone who can be sweet and silly. I’ve never looked for someone that just looks good on my arm and I know that being in a healthy relationship would make me be better for myself too. I’m in a weird mood, not bad but I suppose contemplative a bit. I’ve been mad at fate or a while now because it drops these ideas and then runs with no explanation as to how to get it. I’m in love with the idea of an outcome that’s been “destined” to me by my fate but that’s never going to happen… This is a strange feeling.

I think the best part of what my friend said what that he was finally done with waiting. He was finally done with searching. It might not have been what he thought he wanted but it was most certainly what he needed and he’s happier than he’s ever been knowing that he’s done with looking. The best part is, she’d been there for a while, through all kinds of shit. He’d said “The good, bad and the ugly shit”. Nothing really scared her away. Brave girl and I hope he tells her that every single day.

My ex wants to talk soon. I’ve not decided anything yet. My head feels like there’s so much pressure in there that it’ll explode. I really don’t know where my head is at right now. I need a long bath and a healthy meal.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

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2 responses to “The Fear of Fate…

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