You know when things are really and truly over? It’s when there’s nothing left in you to fight anymore. When you’re so tired and have become apathetic to the entire situation. That has come fast this time and he’ll never even know. He’ll never know that this isn’t about what he thinks it is, rather it’s about paying people back for what their worth.
You know, I’ve broken up with a few men in my time but I’ve never really “broken up” with a friend. It’s a strange thought to realize that this is finally the last tiny, thin straw that broke my back. There’s nothing that can stop this process unless a miracle happens. Although, I don’t want a miracle wasted on something that was so unprecious to someone else. That seems like a waste.
I’m better than I was yesterday but hopefully not as good as I’ll be tomorrow. I ended up opting for my GBF last night (Gay Best Friend) instead of a date with my ex and decided that I was done talking about my “friend” anymore. I didn’t want to hear “give him another chance” one… more… time… So when he asked, “How was your day?” I lied. I said it was good and went into some rant about some article I’d read on something that mattered to me at the time.
A great question came up about someone else yesterday and that was “If you could have watch a movie on how this ends, before it started, would you go back and have done anything different?” That’s a tough question because I hate regrets and I usually say that everything happens for a reason. A year ago, I would have said no, I’d have done everything the same but today my answer is different. While there’s things I’ve learned from this particular “friendship” there’s also a lot that I would have done differently. I think I, unintentionally, became a doormat for the first time in my life because of a ridiculous emotion called love… I would have never told him that I felt anything for him, although he did say the “L word” first but I also wouldn’t have let him in nearly as much of my head, my heart or my space as I did.
I hate that I do regret some of the choices I’ve made. I hate the anger that I’ve had and the hurt. No one should ever have the power to do that to you whether it be intentional or not. People say “Boys are just oblivious.” This, to me, in untrue. Humans have the capacity to understand and realize their flaws, faults and to fix things at some point in there life and to make up for their wrongs. So, when something is done to harm another and it’s never made right then it just becomes that persons mistake because it’s what cost them a true, caring, loyal, trustworthy friend.
This friendship will eventually become a distant memory of a time that I will have written off but until it’s completely out of my system then my therapy is writing out my emotions here. These posts will get less and less and the good things, people and true friends in my life with overpower all other things. I just need to get there and today I’m a little bit closer.
I might bring myself to go into detail one day but for now, I’m just trying to purge the negativity out. Things will get better when that is gone and I’ll be ok.
Hope you’re all having a great day.
I’m actually enjoying listen to hard core metal today but I like this song so it’s what I leave you with right now.