Been away… Starting fresh, again. (Beware it’s a long one)

I’m still here. Still kicking. Didn’t run away. I realized that I needed to purge everything including this space for a while for a few reasons. First, I didn’t want to re-read my posts and hear the frustration, sadness or dwell on any of the bad times. Second, I just like new starts. It’s a tiny little way to re-do something, to change something or to move on. There’s actually been a lot that’s happened since I’ve been gone. I have been working out like a crazy person, which is great and it is my time to not think about anything or contemplate over everything. Either way it helps me figure some shit out.

I’ve been needing to figure a lot of shit out lately, hence the gone too long. There’s something that comes in waves in me. There’s an overwhelming need for me to feel connected to something or someone. The last few years have provided a lot of contemplation over things that I need, things that I want and things that I need to change. It’s been a tough road to realize that all the things that I want right now, I could have had with someone that was perfect but that finalized in such a way that there’s no hope for reconciliation. I was fighting a lot with myself, wondering if I’d made the right choice. I’d be in such a different place right now if my heart and my head were where they are now. Then, the same situation came up again with someone else, lately, that could give me everything that I thought that I wanted. He promised we’d have a great life, a family and that he’d take care of me and so started the “Maybe I can force the feelings” so I went ahead and started to date my ex. At first it was ok, but because we had so much history it felt like he put us on a fast track. He talked marriage and kids so quickly that it made my head spin. All I could think about was “I’m still trying to force myself to be comfortable with you. Slow the eff down”.

He’d quickly made room in his home for me, in days. Bought things that I’d like for the kitchen, bathroom. Started ordering the same food as me at restaurants. It felt so forced it was making me the opposite of comforted. Nothing was coming easy, by the way of feelings for me and it seems like he was just trying so hard to paint me into this corner that I started to feel like a trapped animal. I couldn’t breath. Even after all that, I still hadn’t stayed the night but once and even that morning I’d left while he was making coffee. I made sure to not leave anything there, even in the spaces he’d set aside for me. I knew that I couldn’t do this anymore.

For some reason, my most meaningful relationships have a three year expiration tag on them. He was no different when we were young but there was no way this was lasting that long. It hadn’t even been three weeks. As I said, he took our history to mean that we’d just pick up there. In the interim of all of this I’d decided to go back to my therapist. She’d asked me about the man I was seeing. I told her a quick run down and explained that my Best Friend had suggested that I needed to try to let a connection happen and that I was trying to do that. She asked why? She said that I am a pretty smart woman and if I know that it’s not going to work then there’s usually a reason why. She then asked about my other male friend that I’d spent so much time with. I explained that we weren’t spending as much time together and that it seemed hard now, and we fought all the time but that I wasn’t there to talk about him, or the other one. I still see myself as broken and need to fix me but then she said this, “You were never broken. You have been going through life and some things that people should never have to go through and that coming to the surface has made you realize that you need things in your life that you’ve pushed away for such a long time. After years of being asked to marry and contemplation of children you finally meet someone that can only offer himself to you and nothing else and you realize that this is all you want and possibly need. (Talking about the friend)”

She also went on to say that two “friends” that seem to argue or fight all the time are usually two people that care immensely about each other but don’t know how to handle it. I laughed and quoted the phrase “You always hurt the ones you love right”? She asked why I’d used that term and I explained that it was because I’d gotten into yet another fight with my friend and decided to write out my thoughts to him because it’s the only time I have clarity. That was the first line in the letter. Then she’d brought up something about it being sexual pent up energy. I’d love to assume that’s where our bickers comes from because at least there would be a way to fix that but that probably goes more for me than it does to him. She’d, then, made me do an inventory of things that I liked in men and things that I was attracted to. After finishing this daunting task I realized that my “ideal man” went out the window the first day I met up with my friend again. I found myself realizing that this picture of what I thought I wanted had nothing to do with the man that I had fallen in love with and still possibly do. Some days I have no idea how I feel.

I knew there was a time when he’d spend a few days here. We’d be cuddling and doing “date-like” things and I’d catch myself. I’d be thinking that it was nice and that I didn’t want this to end but then other men would come into my life and I’d get the chance to do those “date” things with them and I never wanted to. I’d been given the term “soul-mates” so many times to describe who my friend is in my life but then had to realize that as much as I’d been honest with him about my feelings, he’s been just as honest about his, or lack of feelings for me. Doing the inventory list I’d realized that there were so many boxes on there that he’d checked. I’ve said that I always needed a man that would try to force himself to take care of me, even in little ways. He moved me to the opposite side of traffic so he’s closer to cars. He looks after my health. He plans out perfect evenings. He knows the things I like and don’t like. He challenges me every single time we’re together. But, I’ve not been honest with him. If I had the chance to be honest I’d say, “Please stop doing the things that I love in you because it makes it so hard to move on from you. How am I supposed to find someone when all that happens reminds me that I only like those things when they come from you.” I have also lied to him as early as yesterday. I’d made a flippant comment about sleeping with guys of a certain height because I knew he wasn’t that tall. That was a lie because I have slept with him and would do it a thousand more times if the chance came up but he’s not interested or hasn’t made a move to, or (and this is less likely) I’m completely oblivious to his flirting.

None of the above matters though because I’ve tried desperately to not have any feelings or him and to use them with someone else. Fact is though, things don’t work like that. I’d like to say, “Hey lets be a couple when we’re together and when we’re not together, do whatever you want”. I’d like to say a lot of things. But we are, at the very least, getting better at communicating, understanding and realizing that we do what we do to each other because we care. But this brings me to the breakup night… My ex (twice now) and I were doing something boring and my attention wasn’t there. I’d been trying to put my phone away or turn it off as he never kept his on when we were together, he’d politely brought up something that was trivial and I could tell he wanted to argue. I just gave in and said “fine”. I realized that I had no fight in me. There was no passion. There was nothing holding me to his ground at that very moment and there hadn’t been since we’d been seeing each other. So there again, I’m sitting next to someone who’s trying to put his arm around me and trying to start a life together and I just wanted to go home and go to sleep.

I still want those things above, badly. I want a family, a normal life and I want to feel that connection too. If I trade in one of those things I’d be doing myself damage. Maybe I’m not meant for “normal” but I know that I can’t settle for someone that I don’t even have the energy to fight with. I don’t know what my friend and I are nor do I want to let that go. On a good day I feel like we were both meant for so much more in life (in general) and to each other. On the bad days I just want the times back when I knew without a doubt that I was more comfortable than I’d ever been before. If I’d been reading signs like I ask for all the time I would actually believe all the hype about us being soul-mates. I’d really hate for our story to end with “too little too late” but I’m not expecting anything more from our future either.

Thanks for listening. I’ve got an hour left of cardio before the night is over and I’m exhausted. I guess that’s how this chapter of this part of the story beings. Have a wonderful night to all of you. x

My first song back.
My Love Will Never Die By: Hozier

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