Great expectations and the lost art of surprises…

Weird dreams and moving all over the place last night made is so I had a restless sleep which is just typical these days, and therefore I’m feeling restless today. I don’t expect anything other these days.

Expectations… I think I used to be much more of a positive soul until I continually got disappointed with other people. Having too many expectations on others, assuming that people are better than they are, well that’s my fault right? I’ve been warned so many times, “Don’t expect anything OR expect the worst”. But isn’t that theory against the positive thought process of the universe? Aren’t you supposed to expect the best to bring the best into your world? Well, I’ve tried it every way and each time I seem to be more and more disappointed.

This brings me to surprises. There are certainly not enough good surprises out there. When you assume the outcome of something and you assume the worst and your barely ever surprised this kinda brings you down. I think between this, that and others things I wish my daily view on things was brighter but it seems to be darkening with each passing moment.

I just want something to happen that’s great, unexpected and deserved. I’m tired of getting the bad luck, which I do not deserve. I have a hard time thinking about what would truly even shock me for the better these days. Life is boring. It’s expected and disappointing. People are expected and disappointing. I’m in a strange mood today. I need a shock to my system, a soul-jump, an unexpected great surprise. I want to get back to the stage where I love my life again. I hope to find that space soon so until then, I will just glide by invisible to the outside world and I’ll just become a fly on the wall until the appropriate time comes.

I’m off to go be unsurprised by humans. Hope you’re having a great day.

Black Flies By: Ben Howard

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Sundays thoughts…

Humans never cease to amaze me. Waiting for the closest parking spot, at the gym… The human capacity for contradiction and hypocritical thinking is astonishing sometimes. These were some of the things my friend and I talked about the other night. It was an hour and a half conversation and I’m not sure we discussed work at all, since he’s also a client. I like his honesty and for some reason, lately, he’s one person that I told a little secret too.

Back when my ex and I were dating, not that long ago, I’d had a moment of “Oh shit! I just might be pregnant.” I took the test and nope I wasn’t. As I’m telling my friend this story he interjects “You wouldn’t have cared come on… You don’t care about the guy but you wouldn’t have minded having a kid”. My reply to his honesty was this, “No, I wouldn’t have mind. In fact I was a bit sad when I wasn’t but realized that I really didn’t want to be tethered to this guy for 18 years. I never wanted him to be the father. Luckily, he won’t be. My friend and I discussed a lot of other things too. He likes to hear to gossip from down here. He’s a bit detached since he moved up north, (DC, Jersey, New York) wherever he is. I gave him some of the mutual “acquaintance” gossip but didn’t really divulge any our closer friends gossip because it’s not my place. I usually feel good after our discussions except he’s really trying to get me to come up and see him. I wish it was just that easy.

It might be just that easy if work wasn’t an insane mess lately. I do like to be busy but there’s this guy who started working there again. He gets on my nerves so much and I tell him he does. Although, he thinks I yell at him and call him names because it’s a form of affection and in some cases it is but not here. I literally told him the other day that he was the most annoying, dumbass I’ve ever know. He just laughed and said something about it being a sister type of affection. He’s really just pissing me off more.

After that particular day, I’d gone and had a few drinks with an old friend. It was fun and we were just bullshitting about nothing really but soon the conversation went on to sex and what we enjoyed and didn’t. Those conversations are fun. He’d asked what the one thing a man forgets about “in the middle of” my answer is usually the breasts… Men usually forget those are there sometimes but then we went into the discussion about so much other stuff. I might do another post about all that but I realized that there’s the other reason why I dislike the single life now, the sex is gone. It doesn’t have to be but I’m trying to be more of an adult where that’s concerned. Again, we’ll see how that works out.

I did start my day with the gym which was awesome but (if you wear a fitbit you’ll understand this) my battery died on my fitbit and even though I worked out for two hours I have no record of it… This is annoying to be but I’ll get over it. This week is already shaping up to be busy. I think the only downtime I have is Monday so far and at the rate I’m going with my sleep and dreams I’m not sure I’ll be well rested for all the hectic but bring it on anyway.

Hope you’re having a fun day.

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In A Perfect World…

My coworker hates that phrase so that prompts me to say it a lot. But in my perfect world things would be so drastically different, as I’m sure most others would as well. Externally, I’d be the perfect size 6/8, I’d have perfect get up and go looks and I would naturally smell like a sultry mix of sandalwood, vanilla and cinnamon. I’d have a job that I loved and that helped people. I’d take fascinating trips all over the world. I’d have just enough money to never want anything and to be comfortable. I’d also have a convertible for the summer days and something roomy for road trips. I’d have someone that I wanted to share all that with and we’d start every morning with great sex, coffee and maybe an early morning run after. After a while together we’d have a child. A beautiful, smart blessing and we’d be as happy as anyone could ever be. That’s according to my dreams anyway, lately.

It’s not too far off but these dreams are becoming so frequent and so vivid that it’s hard to get out of bed when reality just isn’t matching up. On one hand, I’ve got my ex. Still wants to talk and still wants to see me. He’s in love, although I thinks he’s more in love with the idea of what he thinks we could be rather than with me. He wants to move away from here and just begin a life together with me somewhere new and away from current “distractions”.

On the other hand, I don’t want any of that with him and have told him. I’ve also told him that my friends and my life, aren’t distraction to me. It’s my here and now. The truth is, I have a friend that is going through a really rough time right now. Actually a few of them are but this one is different. I’m not even sure what we are. We’re somewhere more than friends but less than lovers. It’s who all the dreams, premonitions and future predictions are supposed to be about and this has been baffling me for almost two years now.

I never wanted nor expected anything from this friendship. Quite frankly, when we knew each other as kids, I didn’t really know anything about him and I was too caught up in my own drug induced coma to care. Years go by and I stayed close to the friend that we have in common. Not as close as we are now but his name came up a few times over the years but then fast forward years down the road our paths cross again. I was just fresh from a breakup. Yet another failed attempt to love a man that loved me so much that he’d also asked for my hand in marriage. I wasn’t looking for anything which, I’m told, is just when shit finds you.

It felt, at first, like two bored and possibly lonely people who happened upon one another to pass the time. He was going through a rough time then as well and I think I liked that I could take care of him a bit. In the beginning, it was all fun but then the “L-word” came out of his month but not in the way that I say it. To him, it’s something you say about cheese or a TV show or your favorite socks. To me, it was different and ignored a bit. But then I’d had this revelation when I was getting these messages and emails from my ex. I could never love the ex and I’d always told him as well. I’ve never lied about my feelings for anyone. I’ve always been upfront. But I realized that I felt something for my friend that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. A true, unconditional love that should only be reserved for the very special. It confused me. It annoyed me and I had all these emotional Chernobyl moments that led to our first departure from one another for a while.

We do that. I hate that we do that but something stupid happens and we retreat from each other. We find our way back eventually and after each time I feel like these feelings are going away. That they were just some crazy, drunk moment of emotions and I’m back to normal again but that never happens. After a while, after some really stupid fights, after some really big eff ups, after this long now, I’ve realized that this might not go away. These feelings.

On some level it bothers me that the reason we’re not together is because he’s holding out hope for some picture perfect woman who looks good next to him on insta-snap-tweet-book. If I’d had that same mentality I’d have gotten married a long time ago to some Greek built God and would probably already be divorced by now. But I don’t. I know that at the end of the day, when you’re 80 years old and both of you are saggy and wrinkly and have false teeth, you want to be with the person that makes you smile, that holds your hand and you feel comfort and that you know will always be by your side.

My current reality is knowing that he’ll never understand all of that above as much as I’ll never understand why God chose him to be the one I really fell for. I’ll never understand that when he’s sad or in trouble, all I want to do is lay his head in my lap, stroke his hair and tell him everything will be ok and if it’s not I’ll do everything in my power to make it ok. I’ll never understand why no one else has even come close to this. She’s a tricky S.O.B., that thing called love. It’s a pretty powerful thing too. I’ve said before that he’s my punishment for all the men that loved me and that I could never love back. This is entirely unfair and yet probably exactly what I deserve.

I was once warned, by an anonymous donor, that I was wasting my time. I’m still sure this was a jaded or jealous ex girlfriend of his but never knew how she knew who I was. The only thing she did is make me feel like crap about me and not change my opinion of him. I know who he is, what he’s done, I know things that even he doesn’t know I know and I know where we stand and I’m still not sorry for any of it. I’ve not betrayed his confidence. I’ve not harmed him for his actions and I’ll be as supportive as he’ll let me be because, even though we’re not where I wouldn’t mind us to be and will never be, he’s still one of the most special people to me. This is literally the strangest relationship I’ve ever had in my life.

Well, those are my thoughts right now… For my current state of perfect imperfection. Hope you’re having a great day.

A Perfect Life By: Party Supplies

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The strange rarities in life…

The weird and wonderfully strange rarities in life. I like the strange and the weird and that’s good because all that is usually attracted to me in some form or fashion. Whether this be in people or in situations, I find myself being drawn to the different. This has always been the opposite of the types of men I usually date because they’re all stupid and rich and normally boring but that’s not what I’m attracted to.

I’d just had a conversation with someone who described me as quirky, humorously witty and unknowingly sexy. I probably should have been a bit humble but I wasn’t and told him that I appreciated him more for noticing all the right things. This conversation wasn’t really going any place for me because I was quickly bored. After that I went to leave but for some reason decided to go through notes from a future reading I’d had done not that long ago.

Most of the time, when I get these new age entertainment readings I usually forget everything that was said but this is the one that’s been spot on for a long time now. The one that said it would bring all this luck and happiness to myself and another if we were to be together. I went back through all their stuff and everything that’s happened in the last few months was totally predicted, for both of us. I also know the “outcome” of some bad luck but only if “certain things happen” blah. I like and hate this because as much as you can give it as much or as little merit as you want, this truth of what’s happened so far can not be denied. There’s a certain point where coincidence doesn’t really apply anymore. There is actually a sort of pseudoscience to all this astrology and other new age practices. My ex was part Cherokee Indian and he really believed in all these things. He’d done a peyote sweat thing, knew his spirit animal and got his readings done by gypsies.

Then, not too long ago, I mean a female fifth generation Shaman who’s also a Catholic. We’ve had many conversations about both of these ideas conflicting with one another. She’s pretty amazing and gift and strangely has also had the same stuff to say as what I’d already heard. At this point, it’s about asking the same question, getting told the answer is always the same but never being happy with it… or something like that.

So basically my life is like this, I know what I want to happen, I know what is supposed to happen and I know what should happen to make two people very happy and very lucky but since I don’t actually believe in that future I try to fight it all the time. It’s as if I’m pushing then pulling my way through a perceived future that feels like it’s no longer in my hands because all the fighting that I’m doing brings me back to the same person every. single. time. I’ve tried to purge this person. I’ve tried to just go about my day but somehow something pulls us back. Just like the fact that we were pulled back into each others lives after 20 plus years. Effing weird, is my life most of the time. Also, how do you tell someone that doesn’t believe in this stuff, “Hey your life sucks because of this reason and here’s how you fix it.” Especially when they don’t want that future anyway. You’d assume that enough history that’s been predicted and proven would but no. Not to some.

I feel like I need to have a very large martini for dinner. I usually never feel like that.

Hope you are all having a great day and if any of you go have a drink, have an extra one for me as well. Thanks.

Choices By: Nero

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The Fear of Fate…

I think I woke in a cold sweat last night. I had the most vivid dream of what fate is supposed to have in store for me, being told over and over again by so many people. It’s difficult to realize that the fate predicted stretches thinner by each passing day. That fate, I would have been comfortable with. I would have seized that opportunity. I’m not sure why either. It’s never been the most logical nor has it been the most reliable but the outcome, for both of us, was supposed to bring so much good luck, comfort and an equal understanding and acceptance of each of our flaws.

This whole train of thought comes from a busy Friday and Saturday. A friend and old coworker had gotten engaged and I’d gone over to celebrate Saturday night after a dinner with friends. He is so happy. It’s as if he can finally relax because he’s found someone to partner with. His realization came about when he knew that he was just comfortable and she made his life better. She protected him and he felt safe with her. That’s when he knew that she was the one. The comfort and safety.

I have to admit, I’m a bit jealous. I thought, while I was there with them, “This could be me right now.” If I’d just have said ‘yes’ to my ex not that long ago. I’d be engaged right now. Except, I wouldn’t have been grinning from ear to ear, like they were. I didn’t feel safe nor did I feel comfortable with him. I like having his or a warm body next to me at night. I liked that part too much and because of it, it has me contemplating saying yes, again. I know it’s not right because it’s not for the right reasons but I’m tired of waiting for something else to happen.

I am in need of a partner in crime, someone who loves to have morning sex, someone who cooks while I clean or vice versa. I’m looking for someone who can be a lover and a best friend, someone who can be sweet and silly. I’ve never looked for someone that just looks good on my arm and I know that being in a healthy relationship would make me be better for myself too. I’m in a weird mood, not bad but I suppose contemplative a bit. I’ve been mad at fate or a while now because it drops these ideas and then runs with no explanation as to how to get it. I’m in love with the idea of an outcome that’s been “destined” to me by my fate but that’s never going to happen… This is a strange feeling.

I think the best part of what my friend said what that he was finally done with waiting. He was finally done with searching. It might not have been what he thought he wanted but it was most certainly what he needed and he’s happier than he’s ever been knowing that he’s done with looking. The best part is, she’d been there for a while, through all kinds of shit. He’d said “The good, bad and the ugly shit”. Nothing really scared her away. Brave girl and I hope he tells her that every single day.

My ex wants to talk soon. I’ve not decided anything yet. My head feels like there’s so much pressure in there that it’ll explode. I really don’t know where my head is at right now. I need a long bath and a healthy meal.

Hope you all had a great weekend.

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Stupid excuses for life…

First, I’m sure I’ve just seen animals passing in a two-by-two fashion. The sky has opened up and it pouring down like a teenage girl after their first heartbreak. It’s calming though but as silly as it is, since I use the sound of thunder to fall asleep at night, it’s just making me sleepy right now. I’m liking this weather but wished that I could be home and in bed with it in the background as I drift back into some sleepy dream phase.

Yesterday, I’d heard the stupidest excuse. As I explained in my Q&A post, I hate excuses but this one takes the cake. “Why would I even try if I know I’ll fail?” I’m sure we’ve all used this at some point in our lives but this was about a guy and the girl he likes. They share a great deal together but when asked why he doesn’t just “go for it” his excuse was that above. So if there’s a possibility that you might fail then don’t try anything, just stay stagnant and be miserable right? What about this?… If there’s even the slightest possibility that things just might work out for the best or at least better than you have right now then why not try? Do you think that this idea would have best been suited for some of the greatest inventors?

I have my fears and again, I’m sure I’ve used that excuse before but as I grow older I realize that there’s no reason to have a fear and never face it. Most of my fears come from emotions. I fear to fall deeply and completely in love and to actually admit it but I’ve come close to this. I have a fear of failing at my career and fear that I just might not live up to the endorsements that have come to me on LinkedIn. I’m sure there’s many more things that I am fearful of but at the end of the day is it better to have tried which gives you a chance of either failure or success or is it better to just stay in your comfort zone, never change and therefore never have the chance to either fail or succeed? And, if your track record shows a greater risk of the fail, isn’t it about time you changed your luck?

My friend has never really had luck in the dating pool and decides to stay friends with most of the girls that want to date him. He just assumes the roll as “the friend” because that way they’ll always be in his life but where does that leave him? Probably an eighty year old single man with a lot of female friends that are happy and have families because he sat by and watched life happen all because he believes he’ll fail at everything.

I tried to explain to him that if he feels that “connection” with her and she feels it with him then just do it. Either it’ll work out and they’ll be happy or it won’t and they’ll still be friends. Or they can do nothing about it and have the tension rip them apart.

If I was half as good at fixing my own life as I am about giving great advice to others maybe my life wouldn’t seem like such an effing mess right now. I like helping others though and hopefully I can live through his happiness a bit until I find my own. Is that wrong?

Just my thoughts right now… Have a great day.

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Ten Questions asked by others…

I’ve always thought these were kind of fun and it makes it so I don’t have to think that hard. I’m so tired of thinking or over-thinking I should say. Over the course of having this site, each time I start fresh, I usually always get new questions. Most I’ll email back but some, especially if I get asked the same question a few times, I’ll just post about them. So that is tonight’s post. Feel free to ask anything you like. It’s easy when we don’t really know each other.

1 When did you start blogging or writing and why? I think I’ve had this site for five maybe six years. I think I initially wanted to actually make a difference but now it just seems to be an online journal. I’ve been writing my whole life though. Poems, short stories, business plans. I’ve always like the process. I’m much more a fan of the written word but leaving trails of thoughts around my home never really appealed to me. If you look in the deepest, darkest corners of where I live you’ll find some really weird shit I’m sure.

2 Last movie you’ve watched? Okay, I was called out earlier this month for not really being a true Brit because I’d never seen all the Harry Potter movies. I was given them as a gift but like many movies in my home, I’d never watched them so I finally did. Between Friday through Monday I watched all eight movies. They weren’t bad. I feel my secretly hidden British accent coming out more with each and every movie. This is the great part about a break-up. You have an excuse to hunker down in your own space and watch whatever you want.

3 Is there any music that you don’t like? What’s your favorite? I like all music. I have everything from rock, pop, new age, country, rap, Spanish. I am not hardcore into rap or country but I can appreciate the talent. My absolute favorite really depends on the mood. When I’m trying to relax in a bath I love listening to anything with a violin, classical or meditation music. When I’m pissed I like Disturbed, In This Moment or something trashingly hardcore. When I’m sad, I’ll through out a melancholy mix of acoustic or indie.

4 Can you name all the concerts you’ve seen? Probably not. I’m sure my memory will fail me but there goes… Tori Amos, Dave Matthews, Sting, Elton John, Bastille, Blue October, 30 Foot Fall, Pennywise, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Pearl Jam, Alice In Chains, Amos Lee, Arcade Fire, Nine Inch Nails, Marylin Manson, Bush, No Doubt, Goo Goo Dolls, Arctic Monkeys, Foo Fighters, Peter Murphy, Ministry, Beck, Black Crows, The Black Keys, Boy & Bear, Bright Eyes, Clint Black, Citizen Cope, Lords of Acid, Counting Crows, The Cranberries, The Cure, Depeche Mode, Daft Punk, M83, Florence and the Machines, Deadmau5, Sarah McLaughlin, Garbage, Garth Brooks, George Clinton, Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, Gipsy Kings… Okay I just made it through the first part of my iTunes and I can’t go on… Let’s just say there was a lot! I’m pretty sure I’m missing some big ones too.

5 Biggest lessons you’ve learn? I’ve learned that you can’t replace people with others and get the same effect. I’ve learned that a drunk truth confession is better than 100 sober lies. I’ve learned that what you ask God for, he had a funny way of giving that to you. I’ve learned that there is always a chance for forgiveness and second chances. I’ve learned that self worth isn’t about “likes, tags, posts, emoticons, it’s about being there, in the moment for each chance you get. I’ve learned that even though they days seem long that life is short and you shouldn’t always assume that that opportunity, that person or that experience will always be there. I’ve learn to always repay my debts whether they be financially or otherwise and lastly I’ve learned to never take anyone for granted, EVER.

6 What did you want to be when you grew up? I wanted to be a lawyer, more than anything. I’d read all these books, researched cases and even when an summer interned with a friend of my parents but due to a very long story (which I won’t get into) I wasn’t able to go to the school that I wanted to. I still believe that I’m still growing up though so I could change this at any moment.

7 What annoys you the most? I’m going to sound like a broken record with some of these but here goes… I HATE when people don’t give you the thank you wave after you’ve let them in traffic. It annoys me when people don’t clean up after themselves. I hate excuses. I hate blatant disrespect. I don’t like shouting. People who assume blame on others to take it off themselves annoy me. I hate people invading my personal space before I’ve even learned their name. That’s enough of that for now.

8 What things do you love? I love mix CD’s or flash drives. I love the rain. I like naps on Saturday afternoons especially when it rains. I love surprises. I love drunk show-ups after midnight. I’m a real fan of kissing, even when it doesn’t lead to anything else. I love a mans forearm, smooth chest and eyes that can’t be taken off you or when they’ve watching you when you least expect it. I love being woken up to freshly brewed coffee. I love that first sip of water after you’ve just workout like a crazy person and the soreness you feel the next day which reminds you you’ve done something. I love the beach and orchids (of course) and (of course) the color blue and how it looks good on a man. There’s so much more than that.

9 What do you hope to accomplish in the next five years? Well, first, I hope to still be breathing. I’d like to say the standard, “have a husband and family” but we see how that’s worked out so far. I’d like to be healthier and happier but I don’t really know anymore. I’ll have to get back to you on that one.

10 What happened with all the proposals? Why’d you say no? This question I got a lot and I’m not sure they’re all easy answers but here goes. The first two proposals I was young and at least smart enough to know that neither were any good for me. I think that in both cases we just clicked really well and I wasn’t a crazy girl and it didn’t matter much where they were or what they were doing when we weren’t together. I’m the girl that doesn’t ask questions. The third wasn’t about love at all. It was about possession. He was a trust fund baby and had everything he wanted. I wasn’t that spectacular (don’t get me wrong, I think I’m awesome) but because I tend to give off this “You’ll never have me” persona (that goes for the soul and mind, less the body) his entitled self thought that he would mark his territory. I was at a very strange place in my life where drugs, sex and rock n roll were the most important things so I’d actually said yes for about five minutes. Then I don’t him I just wasn’t comfortable with him and it wouldn’t work. We’d broken up but during September 11th he’d gone through a lot of stuff. He lost family and was very distraught so he ended up given the ring to me as a thank you. That was a weird reminder. Then, the fourth was my ex that I lost in a car accident this year. I’d written about that before but that didn’t feel right either. This last time, with my ex, I’d always told him that I wasn’t serious about him and that it wouldn’t be anything but fun but he took things way too fast and I just never really felt comfortable with him either.

I’ve not had great luck in the love department. I’ve loved two men unconditionally but none of the one above were those two. My dreams, lately, have been vivid exerts from a chapter in my life that’s not been written yet. I do believe everything happens for a reason and I believe in honesty with myself and the men I’ve dated. If I don’t see a future then I’ll tell them but there again is fate, waiting anxiously for you to move in one direction so something out of no where can be thrown your way. I don’t know, maybe life is really like one of those movies and that boy that you fought with as a child, the one that pulled your pig-tails and pushed you down maybe that’s the one you meet in a bar years later and that’s the one who you end up with, although I never had a childhood boy like that. We shall see.

I’m feeling better than I was earlier though, which is good. I hope this feelings lasts. Hope you’re all having a great day and week. Good Night!

Our Story By: Graham Colton